Overture / Home Guardsmen .......... The Old Home Guard

The Age Of Not Believing .......... Angela Lansbury

With A Flair .......... David Tomlinson

A Step In The Right Direction .......... Angela Lansbury

Eglantine / Don't Let Me Down / Reprise: Eglantine .......... Angela Lansbury

Portebello Road .......... Children

Portebello Street Dance .......... David Tomlinson

The Beautiful Briny .......... Angela Lansbury

Substitutiary Locomotion .......... Children

Reprises: Eglantine / Portebello Road .......... Angela Lansbury

Finale .......... Orchestra

Nobody's Problems (Demo) .......... Bedknobs And Broomsticks

Solid Citizen (Demo) .......... Bedknobs And Broomsticks

The Fundamental Element (Demo) .......... Bedknobs And Broomsticks

Overture

Treguna Mecoides Trecorum Satis Dee
Treguna Mecoides Trecorum Satis Dee
Treguna Mecoides Trecorum Satis Dee
Treguna Mecoides Trecorum Satis Dee
Treguna Mecoides Trecorum Satis Dee

Old Home Guard

They're sailing for England
Oh! What a shame!
Someone is after our island again
We'll let them have it...
Oh, yes we will!
But maybe they won't want it when they get the bill!
For we wrote the stories of the old brigades
We know the glory of yesterday's parades
We're celebrating yard by yard
The soldiers of the old home guard!
We Will!
The soldiers of the old home guard!

Call out the navy, call out the ranks
Call out the air force, call out the tanks.
From the cliffs of Dover call up the gulls
And don't forget the loyal territorials!

But, who's sticking in here? Who will defend
every inch of England no matter what they send?
Who's standing firm in our own front yard?
The soldiers of the old home guard
That's Who!
The soldiers of the old home guard

For we wrote the stories of the old brigades
We know the glory of yesterday's parades
Who's standing firm in our own front yard?
The soldiers of the old home guard
That's Who!
The soldiers of the old home guard

[Thanks to akur@yahoo.com for lyrics]

When you rush around in hopeless circles
Searching ev'rywhere for something true
You're a t the age of not believing
When all the "make believe" is through

When you set aside your childhood heroes
And your dreams are lost up on a shelf
You're a t the age of not believing
And worst of all you doubt yourself

You're a castaway where no one hears you
On a barren isle in a lonely sea
Where did all the happy endings go?
Where can all the good times be?

You must face the age of not believing
Doubting ev'rything you ever knew
Until at last you start believing
There's something wonderful...
Truly wonderful in you

Oh, it really doesn't matter what I do, what I do
As long as I do it with a flair
What effect a little smoke is with a dash of hocus pocus
And the scent of burning sulfur in the air

I'm a fraud, a hoke, a charlatan, a joke,
But they love me ... everywhere.
For it really doesn't matter what I do, what I do
As long as I do it with a flair

And it really doesn't matter what I say, what I say
As long as I say it with a flair!
First I rattle off a ready stock of gibberish and poppycock
and fix you with my best hypnotic stare.
With my moans and groans and soporific tones they have cheered me everywhere!

For, it really doesn't matter what I say, what I say
I said it when I tell it with a seamless selabin
The magician's nursery rhyme
Abra...cadabra! You succumb to it, every time!
Wave a stick, and each trick, will mystify and disarm.
In fact, to coin a fitting phrase, it works, like a charm!

So, it really doesn't matter what I brew, what I brew
As long as I brew it with a flair.
Though I've never cast a magic spell
I make the motions very well
My showmanship is far beyond compare.

I'm a rogue, a rake, a mountebank, a fake,
But I do whate'er I dare.
For, it really doesn't matter what I do, what I do...
You buy my charms and poxes 'cause they come in fancy boxes!
To improve your ugly daughter, I've a vial of colored water!
And my magic incantations can be framed as decorations,
Though there's really nothing to it, and of course, you all see through it,
You love me cause I do it, with a flair!

[Thanks to akur@yahoo.com for lyrics]

After all, it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction after all
After all, it's a step in the direction
It's a step the right direction after all.

When a baby spider
tries to trap a fly
Often times, the silken thread
Will come awry
Though a tangled web is all that he can claim
It's a step in the right direction all the same.

All the same, it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction all the same
All the same, it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction all the same.

When a little sparrow wants to leave the nest
First he has to put his feathers to the test
Tumbling from a treetop can't be called success
but, it's a step in the right direction nonetheless.

Nonetheless, it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction nonetheless.
Nonetheless, it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction nonetheless.

Watch the tiny totters inching up a hill
It may seems to you he's merely standing still
Though the steps he takes are infinitely small
They're a step in the right direction after all.

After all, it's a step in the right direction
It's a step in the right direction after all
After all, it's a step in the right direction
It's a step the right direction after all.

[Thanks to akur@yahoo.com for lyrics]

Emelius:
Let us strike a bargain, you possess a gift
but I can speak the jargon
that can give your gift the needed lift.
You possess the know-how
and I command the show-how
Oh, how successful you could be ... with me!

Eglantine, Eglantine!
Oh, how you'll shine!
Your lot and my lot have got to combine.
Eglantine, Eglantine!
Hark to the stars
Destiny calls us
the future is ours!

As the shine sells the boot,
and the blossoms the fruit
all you need to succeed in your plan
is the proper ally upon whom to rely
and I'm your man.
For I have an acumen that's nigh superhuman.
I sell things that nobody can!
So I humbly suggest
you accept to my behest
I'm your man!

Eglantine, Eglantine
Oh, how you'll shine
Your lot and my lot have got to combine
Eglantine, Eglantine
Hark to the stars
Destiny calls us ... the future is ours!

With my expert pantomiming
the proper taste and timing
I'll introduce you in the manner grand
I'll wet their appetite for you
I'll set the scene so right for you
we'll have the beggars eating out of your hand.
As the words sell the tune
and the moonbeams the moon, all you need to succeed in your plan
is a champion rare, with a flourish ... and a flair
And I'm your man!

Eglentine:
I have always had a bit of a knack for witchcraft
Common spells and simple charms came naturally
so when the war began, I conjured up a plan
to do my bit in the national emergency.

I enrolled in your Correspondence College of Witchcraft
And I slaved at every lesson as it came.
But the spell I counted on,
Is the lesson that is gone.
It's disappeared, and you're the one to blame!

Your suggestions are rash and your manner is brash
and I've no time to waste, Mister Brown.
If I am to proceed, it's that book that I need.
Don't let me down!
But if you'll see me through
I'll discuss it with you
Though I've no taste for playing the clown
If I meet with success, then I might acquiesce-

Emelius:
I won't let you down!
Eglantine, Eglantine!
Oh, how you'll shine!
Your lot and my lot have got to combine
Eglantine, Eglantine!
Hark to the stars

Both:
Destiny calls us, the future is ours!

[Thanks to akur@yahoo.com for lyrics]

Portebello road, Portebello road
Street where the riches of ages are stowed.
Anything and everything a chap can unload
Is sold off the barrow in Portebello road.
You'll find what you want in the Portebello road.

Rare alabaster? Genuine plaster!
A filigreed samovar owned by the czars.
A pen used by Shelley? A new Boticelli?
The sniper that clipped old King Edward's cigars?

Waterford Crystals? Napoleon's pistols?
Society heirlooms with genuine gems!
Rembrandts! El Greco's! Toulouse-Letrec'os!
Painted last week on the banks of the Thames!

Portebello road, Portebello road!
Street where the riches of ages are stowed
Anything and everything a chap can unload
Is sold off the barrow in Portebello road.
You'll meet all your chums in the Portebello road

There's pure inspiration in every creation.
No cheap imitations, not here in me store.
With garments as such as was owned by a Duchess.
Just once at some royal occasion of yore.

In Portebello Road, Portebello Road
The fancies and fineries of ages are showed.
A lady will always feel dressed a la mode
In frillies she finds in the Portebello road.

"Burke's Peerage;" "The Bride Book;" "The Fishmonger's Guidebook;"
A Victorian novel, "The Unwanted Son;"
"The History of Potting", "The Yearbook of Yachting,"
The leather bound "Life of Attila the Hun."

Portebello Road, Portebello Road
Street where the riches of ages are stowed
Artifacts to glorify our regal abode
Are hidden in the flotsam in Portebello Road
You'll find what you want in the Portebello Road

Tokens and treasures, yesterday's pleasures
Cheap imitations of heirlooms of old
Dented and tarnished, scarred and unvarnished
In old Portebello they're bought and they're sold

Portebello Road, Portebello Road
Street where the riches of ages are stowed
Artifacts to glorify our regal abode
Are hidden in the flotsam in Portebello road.
You'll find what you want in the Portebello Road

[Thanks to akur@yahoo.com for lyrics]

Portebello road, Portebello road
Happy things are happening in Portebello Road
You feel like a ballerina when you're hopping like a toad
When you kick your heels up down in Portebello road.

--Portebello dance--

[Thanks to akur@yahoo.com for lyrics]

How pleasant, bobbing along
Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea
What a chance to get a better peep
At the plants and creatures of the deep

We glide
Far below the rolling tide
Serene
Through the bubbly blue and green

It's lovely, bobbing along
Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea
What if the octopus
The flounder and the cod
Think we're rather odd
It's fun to promenade
Bobbing along, sing a song
On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea

Look!

It's lovely, bobbing along
Bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea
What a chance to get a better peep
At the plants and creatures of the deep

It's grand
When you're dancing on the sand
Each glance
Bubbles over with romance

It's lovely, bobbing along
Bobbing along through the water where we get along swimmingly
Far from the frenzy
Of the frantic world above
Two beneath the blue
Could even fall in love
Bobbing along, singing a song
On the bottom of the beautiful briny sea
Bobbing along, singing a song
On the bottom of the beautiful briny,
Shimmering shiny, beautiful briny.

Treguna Mekoides and Tracorum Satis Dee
Substitutiary locomotion
It's the power that's far beyond the wildest notion
It's a weird so feared, yet wonderful to see
Substitutiary locomotion come to me

Treguna Mekoides and Tracorum Satis Dee
I don't want locomotiary substitution
Or remote intrasitory convolution
Only one precise solution is the key
Substitutiary locomotion it must be
Treguna Mekoides and Tracorum Satis Dee

Substitutiary locomotion
Lovely substitutiary locomotion
You may substututiary mystery
With Treguna Mekoides and a little help from me
With Treguna Mekoides and Tracorum Satis Dee

[Thanks to Littleh2O5@cs.com for corrections]

Eglantine:
As the words sell the tune
and the moonbeams the moon
all I need to succeed in my plan
is a champion rare, with a flourish ... and a flair, and you're my man!

Emelius:
Portebello road, Portebello road
Street where the riches of ages are stowed.
Anything and everything a chap can unload
Is sold off the barrow in Portebello road.

[Thanks to akur@yahoo.com for lyrics]

-musical interlude-

REPRISE

Call out the navy, call out the ranks
Call out the air force, call out the tanks.
From the cliffs of Dover call up the gulls
And don't forget the loyal territorials!

But, who's sticking in there, who will defend
Every inch of England no matter what they send?
Who's standing firm in our own front yard?
The soldiers of the old home guard
That's who!
The soldiers of the old home guard!

[Thanks to akur@yahoo.com for lyrics]

No one to miss if he's gone too long
No one to comfort if things go wrong
That's how I want it to be
Nobody's problems for me

No one who needs me to ease his pain
No one to call me his ball and chain
Nobody's problems for me
and that's how I choose it to be

No problems and strife in this life that I lead
No tempers to humor, no hungers to feed
No one to warm when the winter's cold,
No one to pamper; no hand to hold.
And that's how it always will be,
No, nobody's problems for me.

[Thanks to akur@yahoo.com for lyrics]

Walter was a wastrel,
He never cared for work.
Till the day that we fell in love, on his jobs he'd shirked.
But on the day we married
Ambition struck his heart
He set out to make his mark in life,
Looking proud and smart.

He's a solid citizen
Solid as they come
Staunch and steady Walter, he's me rock of Gibraltar.
he's a solid citizen,
All his life he spends
Mixing mortar with sand and water, making cement.

All together now!

He's a solid citizen,
Solid as they come,
Staunch and steady Walter, he's me rock of Gibraltar.
He's a solid citizen
All his life is spent
Mixing mortar with sand and water, making cement.

Sixty years he labored in the construction trade.
Fame and fortune had passed him by,
No great mark he'd made.
Then the hand of fortune brushed him,
When stumbling from his pub.
He staggered by the building site
And tripped into his tub.

Now he's a solid citizen
Solid as they come
Staunch and steady Walter, he's me rock of Gibraltar.
he's a solid citizen
Fitting how he went
Now he's standing tall in the bricklayer's hall
His own monument!
Now he's standing tall in the bricklayer's hall
His own monument!

[Thanks to akur@yahoo.com for lyrics]

Oh, I have always had a bit of a knack for witchcraft
Common spells and simple charms came naturally
so, when the war began, I conjured up a plan
To perfect my talent to its nth degree
And do my bit in the national emergency.
I enrolled in the Hocus Pocus Correspondence College of Witchcraft,
(in itself no small achievement.)
And I slaved at every lesson as it came
I really hoped by now
I'd filled my witch's vow and be a witch that's worthy of the name.
But my secret's out and I've only myself to blame.

I can rant as a witch and enchant as a witch
I can rave and in most ways behave as a witch
But Alas! What I lack to be great...
is the fundamental element...hate!

(I can't be mean, I'm much too kind.)
I can croak (he, he) as a witch, manage smoke as a witch,
Minor magic is mine to evoke as a witch
But Alas! What I lack to be great...
is the fundamental element...hate!

If I could only hate you, I'd turn you into frogs,
Without a single smidgeon of remorse, I'd just forget you!
But every evil spell I cast, lacks what it takes to make it last
For hate was never covered in the course
They assumed one has it
('Else why go through all the expense and bother of enrolling)
Second rate as a witch is my fate as a witch
For the primary character trait of a witch
is alas! What I lack to be great... is the fundamental element...

When I think of all the newt eyes that I've pickled
Quarts and quarts of withes bane I've had to brew
all the sulfur that I've burned,
poxes, hexes that I've learned
and now it's all in vain because of you
I responded to a touch of human kindness
A transgression which a witch must never make.
You've discovered here tonight,
What I strove to keep from sight
So witch-wise, there is just one path to take...
I must destroy you... I must, I must, I must!
For England's sake!

[Thanks to akur@yahoo.com for lyrics]