Disc: 2

Night Before Christmas .......... Stan Freberg

Great Pretender .......... Stan Freberg

Heartbreak Hotel .......... Stan Freberg

Rock Island Line .......... Stan Freberg

Banana Boat / Day-O .......... Stan Freberg

Tele-Vee-Shun .......... Stan Freberg

Ya Got Trouble .......... Stan Freberg

Gary, Indiana .......... Stan Freberg

Wun'erful, Wun'erful / Side Uh-One & Side Uh-Two .......... Stan Freberg

Green Christmas .......... Stan Freberg

Meaning of Christmas .......... Stan Freberg

Elderly Man River .......... Stan Freberg

Cocktails for Two .......... Stan Freberg

Pilgrim's Progress / Take an Indian to Lunch .......... Stan Freberg

Yankee Doodle Go Home .......... Stan Freberg

Zazaloph Family .......... Stan Freberg

Medley: Omaha!, Pts. 1-2 .......... Stan Freberg

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Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Pretending that I'm doing well
My need is such; I pretend too much
I'm lonely but no one can tell.

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
A drift in a world of my own
I play the game; but to my real shame
You've let me to dream all alone.

Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal.

Oh yes I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I'm not; you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around.

Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Yes I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown
I seem to be what I'm not you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around

Well, since my baby left me,
I found a new place to dwell.
Its down at the end of lonely street
At heartbreak hotel.

You make me so lonely baby,
I get so lonely,
I get so lonely I could die.

And although its always crowded,
You still can find some room.
Where broken hearted lovers
Do cry away their gloom.

You make me so lonely baby,
I get so lonely,
I get so lonely I could die.

Well, the bell hops tears keep flowin,
And the desk clerks dressed in black.
Well they been so long on lonely street
They aint ever gonna look back.

You make me so lonely baby,
I get so lonely,
I get so lonely I could die.

Hey now, if your baby leaves you,
And you got a tale to tell.
Just take a walk down lonely street
To heartbreak hotel.

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Day-o, day-o
Daylight come and
Me wan go home

Day, he say..
(Man, I'm gonna have to ask
You not to shout like that)
Well..(it's like right in my ear)

It goes with the song
(Yeah, but don't holler
In my ear, man)

Well, it's authentic Calypso
(Yeah, but try standing
Next to me, man)

Well, the shout go
With the bongo drum
(Not my bongo drums, man
I mean, move away)

Well, I don't see why
(No, no, no, stand over
Next to the guitar, man)

He sent me over here
(Yeah, well, then sing soft, man
You know, I mean like, wow)

Ok, day...(It's too loud, man)
Day..(that's better)

Me say day, me say day
Me say day, me say day
Me say day-o, daylight come
And me wan go home
(Yeah, man)

Work all night
On a drink of rum
Daylight come and
Me wan go home

Stack banana til
The morning come
Daylight come and
Me wan go home

Lift six foot, seven foot
(Hold it, man) eight foot bunch
(Hold it, man)

Daylight come and
(Too loud, man)
Me wan go home
(Too loud)

Lift six foot, seven foot
(Hold it, man) eight foot bunch
(Hold it, man)
Daylight come and
Me wan go home
(My ears, man, like my ears)

Day..(no, hold it, man)
Me say day-o (it's too shrill, man)
(It's too piercing)

Well, I don't see why
(No, it's too piercing, man
It's too piercing)

Well, I got to do the shout
(No, man, it's too piercing
Like I don't dig loud noises)

Well, you ruined the whole
(Piercing) record is what you did
(Yeah, well, tough
I'll take my bongos and go, man
Cause the whole is like
Bugging me, anyhow)

Yeah, well, wait a minute
I won't shout (no, man)
(Like I didn't wanna make
This gig in the first place)

Oh, no, wait a minute
I'll be soft (yeah, well)
(Then back off from me, man
It's too piercing)

Okay, how's this, day-o
(Too loud, man)
Okay, day-o (too loud, man)
(I can still hear you
Would you mind leaving the room)

Okay *footsteps leaving*
Day, me say day-o (crazy)
*footsteps entering*
Daylight come and
Me wan go home

*footsteps leaving*
Day, me say day-o
*footsteps entering*
Daylight come and
Me wan go home

A beautiful bunch
Of ripe banana
Daylight come and
Me wan go home

Hide the deadly
Black tarantula
Daylight come and
Me wan go home

(No, man, don't sing about
Spiders, I mean, like
I don't dig spiders)

Well, that's how the song goes
It goes hide the
Deadly black tarantula
Daylight come and
Me wan go home

(Is that it, can I leave now)
Not yet, we got a big finish

*footsteps leaving*
Me say day, me say day
Me say day, me say day
Me say day-o

*knocking*
Hey, I locked myself out
(Crazy) *window breaks*

I come through the window (yeah)
Daylight come and
Me wan go home

Tele-vee-shun, Tele-vee-shun (I'm sick of it)
Tele-vee-shun, Tele-vee-shun

Hey Mister General Public, do you realize
That we got a generation here of staring eyes ?
Dee women never bother getting housework done
They just sit around gawking at Tele-vee-shun...

The kiddies never run an' playing out of door
On top of that they never bother reading books no more
You ask them who's dee father of our country, mon
They say: 'Was either Walt Disney or Ed Sull-ee-van.'

Oh, Tele-vee-shun, Tele-vee-shun
I'm sick from looking on Tele-vee-shun.
I got weak in dee eyes, weak in dee head likewise
From sitting an' looking on Tele-vee-shun...

Dee burglar comes sneaking in and breaks dee latch
While grandma she is looking on dee wrestling match
She throws him on dee floor although she's 90 years old
Says 'I got him with a step-over toe hold' !

I turn on Elvis Presley an' my daughter scream
I fear she having nervous breakdown 'cause of heem
I wonder why he wiggle-waggle to dee beat
As a boy he must have had a loose bicycle seat.

Oh, Tele-vee-shun, Tele-vee-shun
I'm sick from looking on Tele-vee-shun.
I got weak in dee eyes, weak in dee head likewise
From sitting an' looking on Tele-vee-shun...

Dee children of dee country eat there dinner, you bet
But they eat it sitting in front of dee TV set
They got pudding in their ears from dee north to dee south
From eating while watching an' missing their mouth

Last night a very unusual thing occurred
Dee baby he is saying his very first word
I have him on my shoulder for to make him burp
Instead, he open his mouth an' say 'Wyatt Ear-r-r-p'

Oh, Tele-vee-shun, Tele-vee-shun (Take eet away)
Tele-vee-shun, Tele-vee-shun

I watch dee Late Late Movie an' I climb dee stairs
Get into bed an' have tele-vee-shun nightmares
Complete with bad commercials that repeat all night
Both in compatible color an' black-an'-white.

Someday my son grow up an' want to go to sea
So he prob'ly go an' try to join US Na-vee
He get an aptitude test, mon, now here's dee rub
They find heem best-suited for watching Mickey Mouse Club !

Oh, Tele-vee-shun, Tele-vee-shun
I'm sick from looking on Tele-vee-shun.
I got weak in dee eyes, weak in dee head likewise
From sitting an' looking on... Sing eet again, mon

Tele-vee-shun, Tele-vee-shun
I'm sick from looking on Tele-vee-shun.
I got weak in dee eyes, do you know what likewise ?
From sitting an' looking on Tele-vee-shun...

Vee-deo tape... (Tele-vee-shun, Tele-vee-shun)
May help somewhat... (Tele-vee-shun, Tele-vee-shun)
But, is it art ?!... (Tele-vee-shun, Tele-vee-shun)
Don't make me laugh !!!

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Note LW is Lawrence Welk, -L is a Lemmon sister,
LS is the Lemmon Sisters, LL is Larry Looper,
SS is Stoney Stonedwell, AL is Alice Lean,
SM is sailor matey, SC is sailor captain

Note LW is done in a parody of Lawrence Welks accent.
I will spell this phonetically in a few places
where it is important, but if I did it consistently,
LW would be unintelligible.

LW Thank you, thank you and good evening friends.
Were coming to you once again from the beautiful
Aragon Ballroom on Lick Pier at beautiful Santa
Monica Beach, California. We've been getting lots
of cards and letters from you folks out there in
television lant and we surely do thank you for...ah...
for...ah...for all the cards and letters from you
folks out there in television lant. Starting us off
tonight is our trio the Lemmon Sisters and
girls what are you going to sing?
-L Were going to sing Thank You For All Those Cards
and Letters You Folks Out There in Television Land.
LW Lant!
-L Lant
LW And now an appropriate number. A-wun and a-too and a-
LS Thank you for all those cards and letters
You folks in television lant
We wonder where this television lant is
Could it be a couple of miles from where Diney Lant is
Oh, well never the less you guys and gals in

LW What is that noise there?
LS - bunch of palsy-walsies -

LW Oh, it's the bubble machine. Turn off...just a moment...
I...hold it just a moment please...turn off the bubble
machine...please turn off the bubble. Thank you Lemmon Sisters
for that lovely number. Wunerful, wunerful. And now on with
the show. Heres that man with the deep, deep voice,
Larry Looper. Larry, What are you going to sing for us, Larry?
LL I'm going to sing Thank You For All Those Cards and Letters.
LW I'm sorry, that number has been taken.
LL Well. I'll sing The Funny Old Hills then.
LW Good. A-wun and a-too and a-
LL I-
LW Hold it just a moment. The bubbles dont come till the end
of the program. Turn off the bubbles. Thank you Lar- thank you
Larry Looper, for that wunerful number. Now I would like to
play a short instrumental medley based on the names of girls.
A-wun and a-too...no...no, thats not it...thank you so very much. And
now heres that young man about town from the brass section, Stoney
Stonedwell, to sing Please.
SS Please. Lend your little ears to my plea -
LW What is the matter with that machine. Here, hit it with your
horn...hit it...here...stick your mouthpiece in it there.
Wunerful, wunerful. And now on with the show. Heres our
champagne lady Alice Lean. Alice is going to sing
Moonlight and Shadows. A-wun and a-too and a-
Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in twenty-five years
my popping finger is caught in my cheek. Will you give me a hand
there, Alice...here, pull my arm...no, the other arm...just pull
it...
pull it...that's it.
AL Moonlight and shadows and you in my arms
And the melody in the bamboo tree my sweet
Even in shadows
LW Hold it, somebody stop the bubble machine. The whole ballroom is
lathering up with bubbles. And now I cant see the cameras. Here, let
me set that accordion down on the stage and I'll try to fix that. Bear
with us, folks just a moment please. Gee, the time is running out and
we havent even played the polka. Wait a minute, boys, I
didn't mean...hold it, Alice, don't polka on my accordion .
Gee, Dad, it was a Wurlitzer. Hit the theme, boys. And so it's
goodnight from all the champagne... where's the cameras...there's so
many bubbles I cant...and so, friends, we...help, the whole ballroom
is shoving off to sea...
SM Sure is a clear night, ain't it, Captain?
SC Yup, matey, these are the kind of nights when the sea plays
tricks on ye.
SM Yeah, I recollect one night off Singapore...
SC Tricks, I say, like that mirage off the port bow now.
SM What?
SC See it there, kinda bubbly looking in the moonlight?
SM Oh, yeah. Gee, if I didnt know better, I'd say it looks
like the Aragon Ballroom.
SC Yeah...dee-deedee dee-dee dee dee dee-dee
SM Hey, that's a catchy chantey you're humming there, Captain.
What is it?
SC Oh, I dont know. Just keeps running through my head.
SM Let's go below and catch a little shut-eye.
LW Help! Help! Wunerful, wunerful. Turn off the bubble machine.
Help...help...

SCROOGE: Bah, humbug, everybody.

CHORUS: Good morning, Mr. Scrooge!

SCROOGE: Well, the meeting will come to order, if you please. Are all the advertising people represented here?

CHORUS: Everyone except Amalgamated Cheese!

SCROOGE: Well, if they're not here for the Christmas pitch, I can't help them find new ways of tying their product in to Christmas. That's why I'm chairman of this board! Let's hear it for me!

CHORUS: Hear, hear!

SCROOGE: All right, Abercrombie, what are your people up to?

ABERCROMBIE: Ahhh, same thing as every year. Fifty thousand billboards showing Santa Claus pausing to refresh himself with our product.

SCROOGE: Mmmmm, hmmm, well, I think the public has come to expect that and...

ABERCROMBIE: That's right. It's become tradition!

SCROOGE: You there, Crass, uhh, I suppose your company's running the usual magazine ads showing cartons of your cigarettes peeking out of the top of Santa's sack?

CRASS: Better than that! This year we have him smoking one.

SCROOGE: Um-hmmm...

CRASS: Yes. We've got Santa a little more rugged, too. Both sleeves rolled up and a tattoo on each arm. One of 'em says "Merry Christmas."

SCROOGE: What does the other one say?

CRASS: "Less tar!"

SCROOGE: Great stuff!

CRATCHET: But Mr.Scrooge...

SCROOGE: What? Who are you?

CRATCHET: Bob Cratchet, sir. I've got a little spice company over in East Orange, New Jersey. Do I have to tie my product in to Christmas?

SCROOGE: What do you mean?

CRATCHET: Well, I was just going to send cards out showing the three wise men following the Star of Bethlehem...

SCROOGE: I get it! And they're bearing your spices. Now that's perfect.

CRATCHET: No, no... no product in it. I was just going to say, "Peace on Earth... Good Will Toward Men."

MAN: Well, that's a peculiar slogan!

SCROOGE: Old hat, Cratchet! That went out with button shoes! You're a businessman... Christmas is something to take advantage of!

SCROOGE: A red and green bandwagon to jump on!

SCROOGE: A sentimental shot in the arm for sales! Listen!

CHORUS: Deck the halls with advertising,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
While you can be enterprising,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
On the fourth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me
Four bars of soap,
Three cans of peas,
Two breakfast foods,
And some toothpaste on a pear tree!
On the fifth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me...

SCROOGE: Five tube-less tires!

CHORUS: Fo-ur quarts of gin,
Three ci-gars,
Two cig-ar-ettes,
And some hair tonic on a pear tree!
Chest-nuts roasting...

ANNOUNCER: Sayyyy, Mother, as sure as there's an X in Christmas, you can be sure those are Tiny Tim Chestnuts roasting. Tin-y Tim Chestnuts are frill-bodied... longer lasting! This visible shell protects the nut! Now with X-K 29 added, for people who can't roast after every meal.

GIRL TRIO: Tin-ee Tim! Tin-ee Tim! Chest-nuts all the way!

ANNOUNCER: Tin-y Tim's roast hot... like a chestnut ought! And... they are
(ECHO) mild, mild, mild, mild.

CHORUS: Deck the halls with advertising,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
'Tis the time for merchandising,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Profit never needs a reason,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Get the money, it's the season,
Fa la la la la la la la la.

SCROOGE: Words to live by, Cratchet!

CRATCHET: For you, maybe. Can't you just wish someone merry Christmas, for the pure joy of doing it?

SCROOGE: Why? What's the percentage in that? Let me show you how to make Christmas work for you!

CHORUS: We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
We wish you a merry Christmas,
And please buy our beer!

SCROOGE: There you go, Cratchet! That's Christmas with a purpose.

CRATCHET: I know, but wait a minute. Don't you guys make enough profit the other eleven months? Christmas comes but once a year.

SCROOGE: Humph! Funny thing you should bring that up. That's exactly the point I was about to make. Hit it, boys!

SCROOGE: Christmas comes but once a year,
So you better make hay while the snow is falling,
That's opportunity calling you!

CHORUS: Rub your hands, December's here,
What a wonderful time to be Glad and merry!

SCROOGE: Just so you're mercenary too!

CHORUS: Buy an ad and show all the toys,
Show all the toys up on the shelf

SCROOGE: Just make sure that you get a plug,
You get a plug, In for yourself!

SCROOGE AND CHORUS:
Christmas comes but once a year,
So you better cash in,
While the spirit lingers,
It's slipping through your fingers,
Boy! Don't you realize
Christmas can be such a
Monetary joy!

CRATCHET: Well, I guess you fellows will never change.

SCROOGE: Why should we? Christmas has two s's in it, and they're both dollar signs.

CRATCHET: Yeah, but they weren't there to begin with.

SCROOGE: Eh?

CRATCHET: The people keep hoping you'll remember. But you never do.

SCROOGE: Remember what?

CRATCHET: Whose birthday we're celebrating.

SCROOGE: Well,... don't get me wrong. The story of Christmas, in it's simplicity, is a good thing - I'll buy that. It's just that we know a good thing when we see it.

CRATCHET: But don't you realize Christmas has a significance, a meaning.

SCROOGE: A sales curve! Wake up, Cratchet, it's later than you think.

CRATCHET: I know, Mr. Scrooge, I know.

CHORUS: On the first day of Christmas,
The advertising's there, with
Newspaper ads,
Billboards too,
Business Christmas cards,
And commercials on a pear tree...
Jingles here, jingles there,
Jingles all the way.
Dashing through the snow,
In a fifty-foot coup-e
O'er the fields we go,
Selling all the way...
Deck the halls with advertising,
What's the use of compromising,
Fa la la la la la la la la.

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Freberg: Well, it's great to be with you tonight. We have a ...

Tweedly: Pardon me Mr. Freberg, my name is Mr. Tweedly.

Freberg: Well, we all have our problems.

Tweedly: I'm the censor form the Citizens Radio Committee and uh, I feel...

Freberg: You are from the Citizens Radio Committee?

Tweedly: Exactly what I said, yes. And I...

Freberg: And what is your purpose in being here.

Tweedly: I must OK all the material used on your program here, and I think the best method is to just sit back here and interrupt when I feel it's necessary.

Freberg: You mean you plan to stop me every time I do something YOU think is wrong?

Tweedly: Exactly, I'll just sound my little horn like this, <HONK!> and then you stop and I'll tell you what's wrong.

Freberg: Somehow I can tell this is going to be one of those days.

Tweedly: You just go right ahead Mr. Freberg don't mind me.

Freberg: Yeah, Now I'd like to sing... <HONK!>

Tweedly: You forgot to say "Thank You" Mr. Freberg, Politeness is essential in radio programming. Your program goes into the home, we must be a good influence on children.

Freberg: I see uh... that's a nice little horn you have there, thanks very much Mr. Tweedly.

Tweedly: You're welcome I'm sure

Freberg: I'd like to sing a old river song in honor of National Mississippi River Boat Paddle Wheel week Mr. May if you please.

Tweedly: Very Polite Mr. Freberg.

Freberg: Old Man Riv <HONK!> All right tweedly, politeness I dig, but what in the world is wrong with "Old Man River"?

Tweedly: The word "old" has a connotation some of the more elderly folks find distasteful. I would suggest you make the substitution please.

Freberg: I suppose you insist?

Tweedly: Precisely.

Freberg: OK, music <HONK>

Tweedly: You forgot to say "Thank you".

Freberg: Thank you, Mr. Tweedly.

Tweedly: You're quite welcome I'm sure.

Freberg: Elderly Man River, that Elderly Man River, he must know somethin' but he don't say nothin <HONK!> All right hold it fellas, Now what Tweedly?

Tweedly: The word "something" you left off the "g".

Freberg: But that's authentic, "somethin', somethin'," that's the way people talk down there.

Tweedly: I'm sorry, the home is a classroom Mr. Freberg.

Freberg: I know you said that.

Tweedly: Keep in mind the tiny tots. And further more, think back. You'll recall you said, "but he don't say nothin", That was in quote. Now really Mr. Freberg, that's a double negative. do you mean "he does say something"?

Freberg: No I just wasn't using my head I guess.

Tweedly: I mean, after all, it should be grammatically correct. keeping in mind the tiny tots, you probably mean "he doesn't say anything".

Freberg: I-I-I I suppose I mean that, I guess, all right fine, you win, OKBilly, music... <HONK!> Thank you! thank you.

Tweedly: You're welcome I'm sure

Freberg: Elderly Man River, that Elderly Man River, he must know something but he doesn't say anything he just keeps rollin', rolling, he just keeps rolling along.

He don't <HONK!> doesn't plant taters, potatoes, he doesn't plant cotton and them, these, those, that plants them are soon forgotten, but Elderly Man River, he just keeps rolling along...

Tweedly: Excellent

Freberg: "You and me,

<HONK>

Freberg: The tiny tots again was it?

Tweedly: Exactly.

Freberg: Sorry about that, here we go.

You and I, we sweat <HONK!> perspire and strain... bodies all achin' and racked with pain...

well, we got by that one

Tote that barge! Lift that bale! You get a little...

Take your finger off the button now, Mr. Tweedly. We know when we're licked.

Well, that concludes "Elderly Man River." Now turning to the sports page here... <HONK> Oh yes, and thank you for being with us Mr. Tweedly.

Tweedly: You're welcome I'm sure.

In some secluded rendezvous
That overlooks the avenue
With someone sharing a delightful chat
Of this and that
And cocktails for two

As we enjoy a cigarette
To some exquisite chansonnette
Two hands are sure to slyly meet beneath
A serviette
With cocktails for two

My head may go reeling
But my heart will be obedient
With intoxicating kisses
For the principal ingredient

Most any afternoon at five
We'll be so glad we're both alive
Then maybe fortune will complete her plan
That all began
With cocktails for two

Narrator: Needless to say, the luncheon there under the trees was a great success, and a good time was had by Puritan and Indian alike. Everything came of beautifully with the exception of one minor catastrophe.

Mayor: What do you mean you cooked the turkey, Charlie?

Charlie: Well, I cooked the turkey, that's all.

Mayor: You put our national bird in the oven. Is that correct?

Charlie: Yeah, well I, uh . . .

Mayor: And all of us had our mouths set for roast eagle with all the trimmings.

Charlie: Yeah, well I, uh . . .

Mayor: You did a thing like that?

Charlie: Well, the two birds were lying there side by side.

Mayor: The *turkey* was for the centerpiece, Charlie, I mean . . .

Charlie: Well, they looked so much alike that I, uh . . .

Mayor: Well, we blew it now. They're all sitting down at the tables out there.

Charlie: Yeah, yeah.

Mayor: . . . starting on their little nut cups already. Just have to switch the birds, that's all.

Charlie: Yeah, well . . .

Mayor: Serve them turkey instead of eagle. But it's kinda scrawny-lookin', isn't it?

Charlie: Yeah, well I thought I'd stuff some old bread in it and make it look a little fatter.

Mayor: You do that, OK?
Charlie: OK.

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