Overture

Wide Open Spaces

What Kind of Man?

Thinking of Him

Woman's Dead

Show People

Coffee Shop Nights

In the Same Boat #1

I Miss the Music

Thataway!

Man Is Dead

He Did It

In the Same Boat #2

It's a Business

Kansasland

Thinking of Him / I Miss the Music (Reprise)

Tough Act to Follow

Curtains / Act 2. In the Same Boat #3

In the Same Boat Completed

Show People (Reprise)

Wide Open Spaces

A Tough Act To Follow

texttext

All (sung):
Wide open spaces
Everywhere I look I see
Those wide open spaces
Where the future waits for you and me
It's Kansas forever
And wherever I may roam
I'll see those wide open spaces
And know that Kansas is home

Jessica (spoken):
Kiss me while you can boys, I'm bidding you ...

Randy:
Farewell.

Jessica:
Farewell. I'm bidding you farewell. I see someone taking aim at this here target.

Randy:
But he can't win. There's already a bullet smack-dab in the middle of the bulls-eye.

Jessica:
Why he shot that other bullet in half.

Nikki:
No, not quite yet!

Jessica:
Why he shot that other bullet in half.

Randy:
The school-house is saved!

Bambi:
Look! It's Rob Hood!

Jessica:
I wonder what face belongs to those lips I long to kiss?

Bobby:
This face!

Nikki:
Why you're Allen O'Dell! That friendly lawman from the East I was so crazy about! I thought you were all done with us?

Bobby:
Not when I finally found myself a home, a place to where I belong keeping company with the people I care most about.

Randy:
You came to us as a stranger, rid this place of crime, and gave us a new hope in ourselves. That's gonna be one tough act to
follow!

Bobby:
Well, how's this -- will you be my lawful wedded wife, Miss Nancy?

Nikki:
Oh, yes I will!

All (sung):
Ding dong, Ding dong
Ding dong, Ding dong
Wide open spaces
Everywhere I look I see
Those wide open spaces
Where the future waits for you and me

Jessica (sung badly):
It's Kansas forever

All (sung):
And wherever I may roam
I'll see those wide open spaces
And know that Kansas is home
K-A-N-S-A-S USA!

Bambi (spoken):
Oh my God, she fainted!

Nikki:
Shall I call the doctor?

Johnny:
No, Boston Hospital is just down the block. It's okay, she's got a pulse.

Ronny:
That's the first time she's ever kept a beat.

Johnny:
Bobby, Ronny, can you help carry her?

Bobby:
Why not? I've been carrying her all night!

Georgia:
Oh my God!

Aaron:
Holy mother in heaven!

Carmen:
Holy shit!

Oscar:
What? The reviews aren't good? What don't they like?

Georgia:
That we put on a show!

Aaron:
The Boston Globe says, "If you loved Oklahoma, stay there as long as "Robbin' Hood" is running in Boston!"

Carmen:
Critics! Who'd make a living out of killing other people's dreams? I mean
(sung)
What kind of man would take a job like that

Oscar:
What kind of slob would take a job like that

Carmen and Oscar:
Who could be mean enough
Base and obscene enough
To take a job like that

Georgia (spoken):
Wait a minute! Here's something in the Herald that might be good! "Formerly married composer and lyricist Aaron Fox and
Georgia Hendricks have provided film star Jessica Cranshaw with a star vehicle .. that ought to be driven off a cliff."

Aaron (sung):
What kind of mom would raise her boy like that

Georgia:
Who'd want her baby to destroy like that

All:
Who could be jerk enough
Hard up for work enough
To want a job like that

Ohhhhhhhhhh what kind of low down dirty bum
Ohhhhhhhhhh what kind of swine-ish scurvy scum
Loathsome as they come, I wonder

Oscar:
What kind of man would want a job like that

Carmen:
What kind of putz would squeeze your nuts like that
Who could be prick enough

All:
Mentally sick enough
Who'd want to grow to be
Everyone's enemy
Critics are hated and
So excoriated tell me
What kind of man
Would want a job like ...

Oscar (spoken):
Hey, hey, hey, get a load of this -- the Cambridge Patriot says, "Considering the talent and experience of the veterans
involved, 'Robbin' Hood' is sure to be a huge Broadway ... smash."

All:
What kind of genius has a mind like that
So perspicacious, wise and kind like that
Far from his mother's knee
She must be thrilled to see
How he grew up to be
Such brilliant company
Refined and reflective
We're completely objective
But it mists up your heart
To meet a man like that!

Georgia:
Thinking of him
Thinking of him
Sometimes it seems I spend every moment of my waking day
Thinking of him
Making him laugh, sometimes
Making him strong, sometimes
Making him feel some place in the light is his
Telling him just how special he is
Thinking of him
Thinking of him
Telling the truth when no one is willing to tell him the truth
Fighting for him
Living for him
Thinking it over, that's what I think I do
Well isn't it time

Aaron:
Isn't it time

Georgia:
Isn't it high time
I was thinking of me, too

Aaron:
Maybe it's time

Bobby (interrupts Aaron):
Maybe it's time
Maybe it's high time
You were thinking of you

Georgia:
Thinking of me

Georgia and Bobby:
Too

Carmen (spoken):
Jessica Cranshaw will never be better than she was this evening.

Bobby:
But she was horrible.

Carmen:
I know. But she'll never better. She's dead. That was the hospital on the phone. In terms of future performances, Jessica
Cranshaw now has a conflict.

Georgia:
Chris, do you want to say something to the company about Jessica?

Chris:
Shall we all observe a moment of silence ... to match the audience's response to Jessica's first number?

Aaron:
Chris!

Chris:
Oh, all right. Jessica was part of our company and now we part company. I'm sure we shall all remember her in our thoughts
and in our resumes. And now as thespians, I know you'd like to express your sorrow, both as a tribute and as an acting
exercise. Sasha -- F Sharp minor.

All (sung):
Ooh, ooh, ooh

Carmen:
The woman's dead
The woman's dead

Aaron:
Go tell her fans to change their plans
The woman's dead

Nikki:
Would someone care
To say a prayer?

Aaron:
Who might that be?

Chris:
Don't look at me
Carmen, Aaron, and Chris:
The woman's dead

All:
Ooh, ooh, ooh
The woman's dead
She's dead and gone

Bobby:
She's flown the coop
And now our troupe is minus one

Nikki:
She sang each word
The angels heard
They closed her mouth and shipped her south

Bobby and Nikki:
The woman's done

All:
Ooh, ooh, ooh
The woman's dead
The woman's dead

Bambi:
She was a bitch

Chris:
And under pitch

Bambi:
And now she's dead

All:
Our star is dead

Aaron:
She had no voice

Oscar:
She had no wits

Carmen:
She had no brains
She just had tits
Aaron and Carmen:
And now she's dead

All:
The woman's dead
The woman's dead

Johnny:
She's taking ten
'Til God knows when
The woman's dead

Men:
The skies are blue

Nikki:
Her lips are too

All:
Can't blow her nose
Can't shake her head
See for yourself
It's like I said
The woman's definitely
Positively ...

Cioffi (spoken):
Excuse me, I'm Lt. Frank Cioffi of the greater Boston Police. I'm assigned to the homicide division and, oh, it's an honor
to be standing on the same stage with each and every one of you!

All (sung):
Dead! Dead! Dead!

Cioffi:
You're a special kind of people known as show people
You live in a world of your own
The audience paid plenty to sit there and clap
Hearing you sing
Watching you tap
Did you know your dentist longs to be in show business?
Your window washer wants to be a star
And though your analyst may never couch it that way -

Carmen:
(spoken) Analyst - Couch!

Cioffi:
-You don't know how lucky you are
Some policemen and detectives dream of show business
They can't get arrested but still
They sit around the station and fancy this life.
They jeer Sherlock Holmes and
Cheer Mack the Knife.

Carmen:
Ask your cleaning lady, "Don't you dream of show business
To vocalize or stretch beside a barre?"

Cioffi:
Her affirmative shrug
As she shampoos your rug

Both:
Lets you know how luck you are!

Oscar, Cioffi, and Carmen:
There's a special kind of aura 'Round a show person
(Just ask the next waiter you meet)

Belling:
He walks in fifth position
His voice is just grand

Georgia:
He gives you the check
You give him a hand

All of them:
If the boys in valet parking turned to show business
They could scalp a higher ticket for your car

Oscar:
And my tree surgeon now
Started taking a bough
(spoken) A bough, get it? b-o-u-g--

The rest:
-Don't know how lucky you are

Company:
We're a special kind of people known as show people
We live in a world of our own
Our days are tied to curtains
They rise and they fall
We're born every night
At Half-hour call
We can't picture being anything but show people
Civilians find the whole thing quite bizarre
But that hop in our hearts
When the overture starts
Helps us know how lucky we are!

Carmen:
(spoken) All right - EVERYBODY

Full company:
It's an honor and a joy to be in show business
I feel that spotlight hit me and I'm gone
At the last curtain call
I'm the envy of all
So I know the show must

Carmen:
Go on!

Company:
So Thrilling! We're show people!

Carmen:
And on!

Company:
So Willing! We're show people!

Carmen:
And on!

Company:
So Thrilling that show people

All:
GO ON!

Cioffi (spoken):
Detectives have no opening night, Miss Harris. We make our entrance after the curtain has fallen on someone else's life.

Nikki:
It isn't wrong to be married to one's work, is it?

Cioffi:
Ah, no. No, not at all. Sometimes it's no honeymoon.
I love my job.
(sung) I really do
And if I say so myself
I'm good at it too
I catch the bad guys
Well, most of the time
So it's a good life
A perfectly good life
Not exactly sublime
When I've finished my work
And I crawl into bed
I reflect as I turn out the lights
That the day that's to come
And the week that's ahead
Will be lunch counter mornings
And coffee shop nights
Lunch counter mornings
And coffee shop nights

Nikki (spoken):
Well it's reassuring to have such a dependable schedule. Like matinees every Wednesday!

Cioffi:
Or brisket and broad beans each Thurday!

Nikki:
With your friends!

Cioffi:
Yeah, well
(sung) I like my pals
The guys on the force
We're not very social
They're all married, of course
Sometimes we go bowling
Or have a few beers
So it's a fine life
A perfectly fine life
I'd give it ... two cheers
'Cause sometimes I think
At the end of the day
As I read the last burglar his rights
That the life that I lead
Is a little bit gray
With its lunch counter mornings
And coffee shop nights
Lunch counter mornings
And coffee shop nights

Nikki (spoken):
But your acting roles. Well don't they make for a change?

Cioffi:
Oh, Miss Harris, each year from May 23rd to the 12th of June when I turn my life over to the Swallow Street Players, that's
more than a vacation for me. That's an overture of hope! That's the curtain rising on the greatest joy of my life. But the
rest of the year ...
(sung) The life that I lead
That's a little bit gray
There are plenty of low days
And not many heights
Mostly lunch counter mornings
And coffee shop nights
Lunch counter mornings
And coffee shop nights
(spoken) I don't mean to seem forward, but might I walk you home?

Nikki:
Oh, I'd be delighted! But, you said we're not allowed to leave.

Cioffi:
Damn!

Georgia, Nikki, and Bambi:
In the same boat
On the same sea
Shaking inside as the tide keeps risin'
Nary a ship
Nary a sail
Nary a soul on the whole horizon
Oh how we long to stand still
Stomachs are in distress
We need a helping hand, still
No one can hear when we S-O-S
Tattered and torn
Weary and worn
Feeling forlorn that we look untidy
Chewing our nails
Praying that whales
Aren't allowed to eat meat on Fridays
Still we are not discouraged
Due to the ancient quote
That you're likely to win
Take it all on the chin
When you're in the same boat

Cioffi (spoken):
You see what I'm saying? The song itself is kind of lackluster. It lacks ..

Chris:
Yes?

Cioffi:
Luster.

Chris:
I agree. We need a completely new composition, one that's catchier than pink eye. I'll leave you to it.

Cioffi:
Well, at least now you'll have a few minutes alone with your piano.

Aaron:
Alone, yeah.

Cioffi:
Could I ask, only because I've wondered this my entire life--which would normally come first, the music or the lyric?

Aaron:
Same answer as the chicken or the egg.

Cioffi:
Ah, so it's the lyric.

Aaron:
No. It can start with a note. Which can become a phrase. And then you try hanging words off each branch, like trimming a
tree.

Cioffi:
Sounds easy enough.

Aaron:
Really? Well don't talk about love
Or you'll have to say "fits like a glove"
Or "As certain as push comes to shove"
You will pine for the woman you're constantly thinking of
You see the problem.

Cioffi:
Dangling participle. So you suggest staying away from love?

Aaron:
At all costs. And don't mention your life
Or you'll have to say "cuts like a knife"
Or refer to the heartbreak and strife
When you find that you're missing your ...

Cioffi:
Missing?

Aaron:
What?

Cioffi:
You were saying what you miss.

Aaron:
No I meant that, well ...
(sung)I miss the music
I miss the song
Since she's not with me
It comes out wrong
It doesn't matter
How hard I try
I've lost the music
I don't know why
You may have known
Before I met her
I wrote alone
But if you ask me
What I prefer
I'd say the music
I wrote with her
When you're writing a song
And you've a partner
The room is filled with jokes and chatter
She says something
You say something
She writes a line
You play a vamp
But when you're writing a song
Without a partner
That's a completely different matter
No one tells you "That's not funny"
No one says "Let's cut that bar"
No one makes you better than you are
I can't pretend
I miss the music
I miss my friend
No need to ask me
What I prefer
I choose the music
I wrote with her
I liked the music
I made with ...

Georgia (spoken):
Aaron, I forgot my lyric. Can you believe it? Me.

Aaron:
Well you're not the lyricist now, you're the star.
Georgia? Break a leg.

Georgia:
Thanks. You can finish the song without me?

Aaron:
I'm a one-man band.
(sung)
I miss the music
I miss my friend
No need to ask me
What I prefer
I choose the music
I wrote with her
I loved the music
I made with her

[Spoken] Kiss me while you can, boys, I'm gonna round up that Rob Hood and hogtie his fancy Miss Nancy

He made a getaway
He left me flataway
At times like this a modern miss should gallop thataway.
When love goes thisaway
Don't blow your blissaway
You might find out he's just about a hug and kissaway.
No matter whichaway
He takes that bitchaway
I won't consent till he'll relent to make a switchaway.
If he's in Santa Fe
Or in Piscataway
I'll pack my gown and leave this town and gallop thataway!
If he's in Paraguay
Or even Mandalay
I'll grab my horse and set my course to reach him thataway!

I've known a man or two
A score or more, it's true
And if he stays or if he strays depends on my lasso
It ain't just how you woo 'em
But how your proceed to pursue 'em

If you move thisaway [Thisaway?]
And shake it thataway [Thataway?]
There's every chance he'll see you dance and holler "attaway!" [Attaway!]
Then if you flipaway [Flipaway]
Rotate your hipaway [Ooooh!]
Just wait and see; I guarantee your man won't slipaway!
[If you're the mate for him,
Don't sit and wait for him!]
It's up to you but if you do you'll be too late for him.
If there's a spataway,
Don't throw his hataway!
[Forget that fight, and hold him tight] till he gets thataway!

Men:

What's that music?
What's that dance?
What's that stirring in my pants?
Did you see that?
Holy cow!
What the hell do I do now?

Women: Men:

If you move thisaway What's that
And shake it thataway music
There's every chance he'll see you dance What's that
And holler "Attaway!"
Then if you flipaway What's that
Rotate your hipaway stirring
Just wait and see, I guarantee your guy won't slipaway In my pants?
If you're the mate for him, Did you
Don't sit and wait for him see that?
It's up to you, but if you do, you'll be too late for him Holy cow!
If there's a spataway What the
Don't throw his hataway! hell do
Forget that fight, and hold him tight till he gets thataway! I do now?

Your man runs thataway [thataway]
Or he choose thatway [thatway]
At times like this [at times like his] a modern miss should gallop
Thatway [Thisaway?] Thataway! [Thisaway!] Thataway! [Thisaway!]
When love goes thisaway [Thisaway]
Don't blow your blissaway [Thisaway]
You might find out [might find out] he's just about a hug [hug] and kissaway [kissaway]

And while you chataway,
Your eyes will bataway!

[Eat off the ground] Eat off the ground
[Your heart will pound] Your heart will pound

Everyone:

Eat off the ground
Your heart will pound
As he looks thataway!

Everyone:

Don't chew the fataway! Don't chew the fat away.
We have but that to say!
Just from the waist
Love sets a pace
Cut to the chase
Let's all go thataway!
Or maybe thataway!
I'm heading thataway! Thataway!

COMPANY (behind the curtain)
OOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOOO!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SASHA (from his podium in the pit)
THE MAN IS DEAD
THE MAN IS DEAD
THIS IS NO JOKE
THE MAN DID CROAK
AND NOW HE'S DEAD

HE'S BREATHED HIS LAST
HE'S IN THE PAST
HE'S LOST HIS LEASE
SO REST IN PEACE
THE MAN IS DEAD!

GEORGIA
You can't sleep either, huh?

BOBBY
Knowing that someone in this company is a killer? I thought I saw our
director sneaking around.

GEORGIA
Murder is a very British thing, isn't it? I mean, it's almost like a hobby
over there.

BOBBY
Yeah. You know, if I had to bet, I'd say he did it.

COMPANY (EXCEPT BELLING)
AH . . . HE DID IT, HE DID IT, HE DID IT, HE DID IT
HE DID IT, HE DID IT, I'M SURE
ALTHOUGH HE APPEARS WITH A POSTURE THAT'S PIOUS
HIS PRINCIPLES HARDLY ARE PURE
IT ISN't A STRETCH TO BELIEVE IT
THAT MURDEROUS MOTIVE WAS HIS
HE DID IT, HE DID IT, HE DID IT, THEN HID IT
AND NOW HE IS OFF TO A PRIS . . . ON!

NIKI
You can't sleep either?

AARON
Knowing that someone in this company is a killer? I thought I saw
Bambi sneaking around -- Maybe she killed Jessica so that you could
take over the lead and Bambi could have your part.

NIKI
Oh that'S silly! She should have just killed me. (realizes) I never said
that.

AARON
If you ask me, she did it.

COMPANY (EXCEPT BAMBI)
AH . . . SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT
SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, I KNOW
WITH LAUGHTER SHE HUNG HIM AND AFTER SHE STRUNG HIM
HE SWUNG LIKE A YO-YO HIGH-LOW
THE FACTS ARE NOT REALLY SURPRISING
HER MORALS ARE PROBABLY LOOSE
SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT,
THEN HID IT, AND NOW SHE IS OFF TO THE HOOSE . . . GOW!

OSCAR
You can't sleep either?

BELLING
Knowing that someone in this company is going to change my
blocking?

OSCAR
I think I saw Aaron and Georgia sneaking around.

BELLING
Yes, song-writing teams are always plotting how to do in the director -- and they're all quite, quite mad. I could easily believe that they did it.

COMPANY (EXCEPT AARON & GEORGIA)
AH . . . THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT
I'VE WORKED WITH THOSE LOSERS BEFORE!
THEY WENT RIGHT AHEAD AND THEY SLAUGHTERED TWO PEOPLE
THE SAME WAY THEY SLAUGHTERED THE SCORE
WELL, THIS IS THE END OF THEIR OUTPUT
THEIR FUTURE IS NOT WORTH A THING
THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT, THEN HID IT
AND SOON THEY'LL BE GOING TO SING . . . SING!

BOBBY, GEORGIA (BELLING, OSCAR) (AARON, NIKI)
& THEIR "GANG" (& THEIR "GANG") (& THEIR "GANG")

HE DID IT
HE DID IT (THEY DID IT)
HE DID IT (THEY DID IT) (SHE DID IT)
HE DID IT (THEY DID IT) (SHE DID IT)
HE DID IT (THEY DID IT) (SHE DID IT)
HE DID IT (I'VE WORKED WITH) (SHE DID IT)
I'M SURE (THOSE LOSERS) (SHE DID IT)
() (BEFORE . . .) (SHE DID IT)
() () (I KNOW!)
ALTHOUGH HE
APPEARS WITH (THEY WENT RIGHT)
A POSTURE THAT'S (AHEAD AND THEY) (SHE HOISTED)
PIOUS, HIS (SLAUGHTERED TWO) (AND HUNG HIM)
PRINCIPLES (PEOPLE THE) (AND AFTER SHE'd)
HARDLY ARE (THE SAME WAY THEY) (STRUNG HIM, HE)
PURE (SLAUGHTERED)

() () (SWUNG LIKE A)
() (THE SCORE) (YO-YO,)
() () (HIGH-LOW)
IT ISN't A STRETCH TO (WELL, THIS IS)
BELIEVE IT (THE END OF THEIR) (THE FACTS ARE NOT)
THAT MURDEROUS (OUTPUT. THEIR) (REALLY SURPRISING,)

MOTIVE WAS HIS (FUTURE IS NOT) (HER MORALS ARE)
() () (WORTH A THING)
() () (PROBABLY)
HE DID IT () (LOOSE)
HE DID IT (THEY DID IT)
HE DID IT (THEY DID IT) (SHE DID IT)
THEN HID IT (THEY DID IT) (SHE DID IT)
AND NOW HE (THEN HID IT) (SHE DID IT)
IS OFF TO A (AND SOON THEY'LL BE) (THEN HID IT, AND)
PRIS- (GOING TO) (NOW SHE IS)
() () OFF TO THE
() () HOOSE
() (SING -- )
SON () (GOW)

ALL
SING!

Aaron (spoken):
I think we got it this time. Five, six, seven, eight ...

Bobby, Randy, and Harv (sung):
Here we are
My shipmates and me
Lost on a windy sea

Bobby:
All the planks are springing a leak

Randy:
We'd like to bail

Harv:
But we forgot the pail

Bobby, Randy and Harv:
And we regret to say
Our compass is gone
But somehow we still sail on

Bobby and Harv:
Because two heads

Randy:
Three heads!

Bobby, Randy Harv:
Are best,
As some fellow wrote
And what the heck
We're in the same boat!

Cioffi (spoken):
I'm sorry. No, no believe me it's a bold attempt, and it certainly has some of that vim we've been looking for, but there's
still something missing.

Carmen:
Aaron! I thought you were going to write us a better version of "In the Same Boat!"

Aaron:
We just played the new one. Didn't you hear it?

Carmen:
I did. Aaron! I thought you were going to write us a better version of "In the Same Boat!"

Bambi:
Why don't we replace it with a dance number I've been working on with Bobby? It's a pas de deux -- for two!

CIOFFI
I'm sorry. (The guys groan and exit.) No, believe me, it's a bold
attempt, and, and it certainly has some of that, that "vim" we've
been looking for, but there's still something missing . . .

CARMEN
Aaron. I thought you were going to write us a better version of "in the
Same Boat."

AARON
We just played the new one, didn't you hear it?

CARMEN
I did. Aaron, I thought you were going to write us a better version of
"in the Same Boat."

BAMBI
Why don't we replace it with a dance number I've been working on
with Bobby. It's a pas de deux . . . for two.

CARMEN
I'm sorry, Elaine, but as a Broadway producer, there's something more
important to me than you getting a star turn.

BAMBI
What.

CARMEN
Me turning a profit.
I'vE NEVER BEEN KNOWN AS ONE OF THOSE STUPID CLUCKS,
ELAINE . . .

BAMBI
Bambi --

CARMEN
WHO PISSES AWAY A LOT OF HER HARD-EARNED BUCKS, ELAINE . . .

BAMBI
Bambi!

CARMEN
BUT FACING THE FACT YOUR COLORATURA SUCKS -- BAMBI!
THOUGH IT BREAKS YOUR MOTHER's HEART,
FORGET ABOUT THE PART
IT's TIME FOR YOU TO KNOW
WHY I REALLY BACKED THIS SHOW

YOU ASKED ME FOR MY MOTIVES
WELL, YOU NEEDN't BE SO SMART
IT's A BUSINESS!
IT ISN't MAKING HISTORY
IT ISN't MAKING ART
IT's A BUSINESS!

SHAW AND IBSEN -- TAKE 'EM AWAY --
AND DON't BOTHER ME WITH MOLIERE
THOSE RUSSIANS NEVER PAY

SO, GO ON, CRITICIZE ME
PLEASE PROCEED WITH YOUR ATTACK
IT's A BUSINESS!
I PUT ONE MILLION IN
AND I EXPECT TWO MILLION BACK!
IT's A BUSINESS!

SO WHAT CRIME HAVE I COMMITTED
IF I'm PUTTING UP A FIGHT?
IT's A BUSINESS!
AND I WANT THOSE PAYING SUCKERS OUT THERE
GIVING ME THE BUSINESS EVERY NIGHT!
Am I getting through to you, Elaine?

BAMBI
I'm sorry, Mother; but to me, the theater is a temple.

CARMEN
What, so it should only be filled on shabbas?!
(to STAGEHANDS, who have entered)
Give me a hand, fellas. (They give her half-hearted applause)
Very funny, you know what I mean! Back me up!
THE NOT-FOR-PROFIT THEATERS
DON't NEED TO TURN A BUCK
THAT's NOT BUSINESS!

STAGEHANDS
THAT's NOT BUSINESS!

CARMEN
SO, GIVE 'EM LYSISTRATA
AND I WISH THEM LOTS OF LUCK!
I DO BUSINESS!

STAGEHANDS
SHE DOES BUSINESS!

CARMEN
GORKY, SHMORKY!
MONEY MISSPENT
YOU WON't SURVIVE YOM KIPPUR
YOU'LL NEVER GET THROUGH LENT!

I ONCE KNEW A PRODUCER
WHOSE PRETENSION KNEW NO BOUNDS
IN THE BUSINESS!

STAGEHANDS
IN THE BUSINESS!

CARMEN
HE MOUNTED SAMUEL BECKETT --
I DON't MEAN IT LIKE IT SOUNDS . . .
IT WAS BUSINESS!

STAGEHANDS
IT WAS BUSINESS!

CARMEN
SO, NOW HE's DOWN THE CRAPPER
WHILE I'm WORKING IN MY PRIME
IT's A BUSINESS . . .

STAGEHANDS
IT's A BUSINESS . . .

CARMEN
AND THE SHOWS I DO DO BUSINESS
'CAUSE I REALLY KNOW MY BUSINESS
AND I'm GIVING THEM THE BUSINESS, HONEY
ALL THE TIME!

BAMBI
But what about the great poets of the stage?

CARMEN
Honey, I put on THE ICEMAN COMETH
and nobody cameth!
(to the STAGEHANDS)
TO STAGEHANDS, TO THE DRESSERS
TO MUSICIANS IN THE PIT
IT's A BUSINESS!

STAGEHANDS
IT's A BUSINESS!

CARMEN
THE OWNER OF THESE PREMISES
CLEANS UP IF WE'RE A HIT
HE's IN BUSINESS!

STAGEHANDS
HE's IN BUSINESS!

CARMEN
UNION MEMBERS DON't WORK FOR FREE
HEY, HARRY, ON THE SPOTLIGHT!
BLINK TWICE IF YOU AGREE!
(As the SPOTLIGHT blinks twice)
SEE? I'm NOT DEVOID OF CULTURE
BUT MY FEET ARE ON THE FLOOR
IT's A BUSINESS!

STAGEHANDS
IT's A BUSINESS!

CARMEN
I'D DO THE KAMA SUTRA
WITH A RICHARD RODGERS SCORE . . .
THAT's GOOD BUSINESS!

STAGEHANDS
THAT's GOOD BUSINESS!

CARMEN
YES, GREEN's MY FAVORITE COLOR
AND I DON't MEAN ON THE GRASS
IT's A BUSINESS . . .

STAGEHANDS
IT's A BUSINESS . . .

CARMEN
AND THE SHOWS I DO DO BUSINESS
YES, I'm GOOD AT DOING BUSINESS
AND IF YOU DON't LIKE MY BUSINESS, SWEETIE
BLOW IT OUT YOUR --

STAGEHANDS
BUSINESS!

CARMEN
BUSINESS!

CARMEN AND STAGEHANDS
IT's A BUSINESS!

BELLING
So let's follow the yellow brick road in the wrong direction, all the way
back to "Kansasland."
Sasha: yee ha!

RANDY
COME EVERY SECOND SUNDAY
OF EACH MONTH THROUGHOUT THE YEAR
THE WOMEN FOLK HEAD OUT FROM TOWN
TO GREET THE SOLDIERS HERE

WOMEN
WE BRING THEM HOME COOKED VITTLES!

HARV
YEAH, THAT's ALL THESE LADIES SHARE

RANDY
THERE AIN't NO CHANCE FOR ROMANCE
WHEN THE DANCE IS STRICTLY SQUARE!

COMPANY
IN KANSASLAND
IN THE STRAW, WE NEVER STRAY
'CUZ IN KANSASLAND
YOU CAN't BE TOO GOOD IN THE HAY
IN KANSASLAND
DON't SHAKE THE SASSAFRASS!
BUT IN KANSASLAND
THERE's LOTS OF SPLENDOR IN THAT GRASS!

RANDY
THESE LADIES SWEAR THE GOOD BOOK
IS THE ONE BOOK THEY BELIEVE
YET THINK ABOUT WHEN ADAM FOUND
HIMSELF ALONE WITH EVE
THERE WARN't NO PREACHER PRESENT
WHEN HE GAVE HIS MATE A WHIRL . . .
BUT WHERE'D WE BE IF EVE HAD NOT BEEN --
MMM -- THAT KIND OF GIRL?

COMPANY
IN KANSASLAND
WHERE THE PRAIRIE MEETS THE SKY . . .
IN KANSASLAND
AIN't NO FINER PLACE TO LIVE AND DIE
THAN KANSASLAND
YOUR VIRTUE NEVER FADES
'CUZ IN KANSASLAND
WE'RE ALWAYS SURE TO PULL THE SHADES!

(ENTER BAMBI as PRINCESS KICKAPOO.)

RANDY
THERE CAME TO OLD FORT HENDERSON
YOUNG PRINCESS KICKAPOO!

BAMBI
WOO-WOO-WOO!

RANDY
WHO KEPT HER WIGWAM WARM AT NIGHT
WITH EVERY SIOUX SHE KNEW!
HER TRIBAL DANCE IS WORTH A GLANCE
HER HIPS GO POW-WOW-WOW!
WHEN THIS PAPOOSE SAYS:

BAMBI
"LET's VAMOOSE!"

RANDY
THE SOLDIERS CRY:

MEN
"AND HOW!"

(Bambi and Bobby perform their Apache "apache dance")

Aaron (spoken):
What was I thinking when I let you slip away? Oh yeah.
I was thinking of me.
(sung) Only of me
What was I thinking
Spending each moment of each waking day
Thinking of me
Shutting you out

Georgia:
Sometimes

Aaron:
Making you wait

Georgia:
Sometimes

Aaron:
To self-involved to say how I do need you
But why pretend
I missed the music
I missed my friend

Georgia:
I missed my friend

Aaron:
No need to wonder
What I would do

Both:
I choose the music
I make with you
I love the music
I make with you

Cioffi:
May I be bold, I never believed in that whole sum enchanted evening thing, till now. The first time I saw you, there was a
blue wash on the stage and a hitcher with a pink special, it was...

Niki:
It was just like a musical, ha, Frank.

Cioffi:
I thought, Niki, I thought to myself.

(SUNG)

You and I
We could be a Tough act to follow,
Can't you see,
Special people doing,
Special Things,
Running Rings Around any pair anywhere
You and I,
We could stay a Tough act to follow,
In every way,
If you hold my hand and let the,
Music Start,
Let the Curtains Part,
Let the Spotlight Glow.

Gosh I wish I could do that?

Niki:
Oh you can frank its simple really, just follow me,

Stomp hopp slap step slap stamp stamp stamp
(Together)
Stomp hopp slap step slap stamp stamp stamp
Stomp hopp slap step slap stamp stamp stamp

Hey you've done this before,
Hey Harry put him in pink,
Oh Looking' good, Frank
Looking' real good,

(Sung)

We'd be a tough act to follow,
A tough act to follow,
I Know.

(INSTRUMENTAL)

Cioffi:
Are you thinking what im thinking?

Niki:
I sure am

Together:
Come on Gang

Ensemble:
You and I
We could be a Tough act to follow,
Can't you see,
Special people doing,
Special Things,
Running Rings Around any pair anywhere
You and I,
We could stay,
A Tough act to follow,
In every way,
AH

Let the Curtains Part,
Let the Spotlight Glow.

Wed be a
Stomp hopp slap step slap stamp stamp stamp
Stomp hopp slap step slap stamp stamp stamp
Stomp hopp slap step slap stamp stamp stamp

(INTRUMENTAL)

Nikki and Cioffi:
We'd be a tough act to follow,
A tough act to follow,
I Know.

Niki:
Stomp hopp slap step slap stamp stamp stamp
Stomp hopp slap step slap stamp stamp stamp

COMPANY
THE SEA'S UNUSUALLY ROUGH
THE GOING'S TERRIBLY TOUGH
AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH
WE LOST AN OAR . . .

BUT THERE'S NO DOUBT IN THE WORLD
WE'LL STAY AFLOAT
'CAUSE IT'S EASY TO WIN
TAKE IT ALL ON THE CHIN
WHEN YOU'RE IN THE SAME BOAT!

CIOFFI
Folks, the answer has been staring us in the face all along. Aaron,
you wrote all three versions of "in the Same Boat" to fit the same
orchestra parts, right?

AARON
Right.

CIOFFI
Then if all three songs fit the same arrangement, they must all fit
with each other. That's what will give this number the kick in the
derriere it's been needing . . . the whole company singing three
different songs at the same time . . . it'll make "Fugue for Tinhorns"
sound like "Frere Jacques!"

BELLING
But what about the murders?

CIOFFI
Oh, will you forget about the murders for a second! I want to run
this now. We'll have Rob Hood and the ladies trying to reach the
steamboat to Wichita before the farmers lose their land . . .
everybody on board with that?

AARON
Aye, aye, captain.

CIOFFI
That's Lieutenant. It's just Georgia at the top.
Sasha! Start it off slow.

GEORGIA
IN THE SAME BOAT
ON THE SAME SEA
SHAKIN' INSIDE
AS THE TIDE KEEPS RISIN'!
NARY A SHIP, NARY A SAIL
NARY A SOUL ON THE WHOLE HORIZON

CIOFFI
Here come the three pals paddling up the rapids!

BOBBY, RANDY, HARV
HERE WE ARE, MY SHIPMATES AND ME
LOST ON A WINDY SEA

BOBBY
ALL THE PLANKS ARE SPRINGING A LEAK . . .

RANDY
WE'D LIKE TO BAIL . . .

HARV
BUT WE FORGOT THE PAIL

BOBBY, RANDY AND HARV
AND WE REGRET TO SAY OUR COMPASS IS GONE
BUT SOMEHOW WE STILL SAIL ON . . .

BOBBY AND HARV
BECAUSE TWO HEADS

RANDY
Three heads!

BOBBY AND HARV
ARE BEST

BOBBY, RANDY AND HARV
AS SOME FELLA WROTE
AND WHAT THE HECK
WE'RE IN THE SAME . . .

CIOFFI
And heading down the river come the damsels in distress!

GEORGIA, NIKI, BAMBI
TATTERED AND TORN
WEARY AND WORN
FEELIN' FORLORN
THAT WE LOOK UNTIDY . . .
CHEWIN' OUR NAILS
PRAYIN' THAT WHALES
AREN'T ALLOWED TO EAT MEAT ON "FRI-D'Y"
STILL, WE ARE NOT DISCOURAGED
DUE TO THE ANCIENT QUOTE:
THAT YOU'RE LIKELY TO WIN
TAKE IT ALL ON THE CHIN
WHEN YOU'RE IN THE SAME BOAT!

CIOFFI
But the waves are coming on fast, third song now!

MERMAIDS & RIVERBOAT MEN
THE SEA'S UNUSUALLY ROUGH
THE GOING'S TERRIBLY TOUGH
AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH
THEY LOST AN OAR
THEY FIND IT ALL THEY CAN DO
TO CALM THE CRAFT
FURTHERMORE, LITTLE CHUM
THEY'RE SO DUMB
THAT THEY DON'T KNOW
THEIR FORE FROM THEIR AFT

CIOFFI
It's the high-stepping riverboat men from the shore to the rescue!

GEORGIA, NIKI, BAMBI, HARV, BOBBY, RANDY,
MERMAIDS & RIVERBOAT MEN
THE WAVES ARE LAPPIN' A LOT
THE SHARKS ARE SNAPPIN' A LOT
THE THUNDER'S CLAPPIN' A LOT
JUST HEAR IT ROAR!
BUT THERE'S NO DOUBT IN THE WORLD
WE'LL STAY AFLOAT
'CAUSE IT'S EASY TO WIN
TAKE IT ALL ON THE CHIN
WHEN YOU'RE IN THE SAME BOAT

CIOFFI
Now the pals come rollin' 'round the bend,
while the ladies up the creek come sailing into view.
Let's put it all together, . . . five-six-seven-eight!

(A riverboat sails on as Cioffi leads the chorus.)

CIOFFI, GEORGIA, NIKI, BOBBY, BAMBI & ENSEMBLE
HERE WE ARE, MY SHIPMATES AND ME . . .
KEEPS RISIN' . . .
NARY A SHIP, NARY A SAIL
NARY A SOUL ON THE WHOLE HORIZON
WE LOST AN OAR
ALL, WE FIND IT ALL WE CAN DO
TO CALM THE CRAFT . . .
FURTHERMORE WE'D LIKE TO BAIL (CIOFFI)
BUT NO ONE IS NEAR (Up a tone!)
AND WE REGRET (Bring on the riverboat!)
THE WAVES . . .
ARE WEARY AND WORN
OUR FEELIN'
THE SHARKS ARE SNAPPIN' UNTIDY
CHEWIN' OUR NAIL
WE STILL SAIL ON . . .
ALLOWED TO EAT MEAT ON "FRID'Y"
BUT, THERE'S NO DOUBT IN THE WORLD . . .
AS SOME FELLA WROTE
AND WHAT THE HECK?
TAKE IT ALL ON THE CHIN
WHEN YOU'RE IN THE SAME BOAT
AND WE'RE TOGETHER IN THE SAME
BOAT!

CARMEN
Cioffi, you know what? I think you're one of us.
THERE'S A SPECIAL KIND OF PEOPLE KNOWN AS
SHOW PEOPLE

CIOFFI
WE LIVE IN A WORLD FULL OF DREAMS
SOMETIMES WE'RE NOT TOO CERTAIN
WHAT'S FALSE AND WHAT'S REAL . . .

CIOFFI & CARMEN
BUT WE'RE SELDOM IN DOUBT
ABOUT WHAT WE FEEL . . .

Wide Open Spaces Finale

CIOFFI
Of course, the show will go on. The sound of the orchestra playing its
overture will be pure adrenaline, his spirits will be lifted by the hands
of an adoring throng whose applause will sustain him through the
very last scene of Robbin' Hood . . .

GEORGIA (as Madam Marian)
IT'S KANSAS FOREVER

ALL
AND WHEREVER I MAY ROAM
I'LL SEE THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACES
AND KNOW THAT KANSAS IS HOME
K-A-N-S-A-S-U-S-A!

A Tough Act to Follow (reprise)

COMPANY
YOU AND I, WE COULD STAY
A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW
IN EVERY WAY

CIOFFI & NIKI
IF YOU HOLD MY HAND AND LET THE MUSIC START
LET THE CURTAINS PART
LET THE SPOTLIGHT GLOW --

COMPANY
WE'D BE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW
A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW
A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW, I KNOW!

curtains libretto