Overture .......... Kimberly Grigsby

Scrap .......... John Conlee

It's a Woman's World .......... Laura Marie Duncan

Man .......... John Conlee

Big-Ass Rock .......... John Conlee

Life With Harold .......... Kimberly Grigsby

Big Black Man .......... Mark de Shields

You Rule My World .......... John Conlee

Michael Jordan's Ball .......... Kimberly Grigsby

Jeanette's Showbiz Number .......... Kathy Freeman

Breeze off the River .......... Kimberly Grigsby

Goods .......... Kimberly Grigsby

You Walk With Me .......... Jason Danieley

You Rule My World (Reprise) .......... Annie Golden

Let It Go .......... John Conlee

texttext

Jerry
What I want? That's easy asshole -
I want a job
I want to feel like a person instead of a slob
I wanna wake up knowing where I'm gonna go
Not going nowhere
Wandering the streets of Buffalo
'Cause it's a slow town
When you don't know where to go

I'll be wetting down the razor
Then I'll figure
"What's the point?"
So I go into the living room
Roll another joint. Then lunch. Then a beer
Then sitting like an ape on the sofa
With a hankie
And the same old porno tape

And that's a big day when you're scrap

Dave
What I want? I'll tell you jerky -
I want a life
I want to feel like the husband
Instead of the wife
I want to get some sleep when I go to bed
Instead of lying there digging through
The garbage in my head

Jerry & Dave
And it's a long night when you're scrap
It's a long, long nightwhen you're scrap

Malcolm
I know what I want. A place of my own. It could be a room, even. Just so it's mine.

Ethan
I don't know what i want. Something. Somebody.

I guess I'm lonely

Malcolm
I'm lonely
I don't know what to do
I should get out -

Ethan
A bar -

Ethan & Malcolm
A party or two

Malcolm
I sure could use a friend

Ethan
Somebody -

Ethan & Malcolm
But there's that horrifying moment when
They ask you what you do

Malcolm
Hi. I'm Malcolm, a complete loser who still lives at home with his mother.

Dave
Hi. I'm Dave Bukatinsky. I just defrosted my refrigerator and vacuumed my living room. And how was your day?

Jerry
Hi, I'm Jerry Lukowski. I'm 32, out of work, divorced, in debt up to my balls. I need some serious dental work and if I don't make some money soon they won't let me see my kid. I'm fed up, frustrated, angry and oh yeah -

Men

So what I want - that's easy
I want to understand
How I got to be a loser
And I used to be a man
And I don't know where I'm going
I don't know why I'm here
All I know is that the future
Will include another beer

And that's important -

I just want some veal
Or a steak on the table
'S that too much to ask?
I just want something real
Something right, something stable
'S that too much to ask?

I just want to feel like
I know what my label is
Just tell me what my label is

Just give me
Anything but... I'm happy to be
Anything but...
I don't wanna be...
Scrap

Georgie
Who's got power?
Who's got juice?
Who's got the money?

Women
It's a woman's world

Georgie
Who feels freedom
To let loose
Tonight, honey, honey -

Women
It's a woman's world

Georgie
Back at home my libido is asleep
Nothing stirring up the batter
Now I know all I needed was a heap
O' dancing beefcake on a platter

Women
A silver platter!

Georgie
Let's get sweaty and
Let's get mean
Fire up the burner -

Women
It's a woman's world

Georgie
I'll be president

Susan
I'll be queen

Joanie
I'll be Tina Turner -

Women
It's a woman's world

Goergie
'Cause tonight

Women
Yeah tonight

All
It's a woman's world

Georgie
Work all day, I come home and he's all pissed
It's a wallow-in-the-mudfest
Now I know all I need to clear the system's
Just a raunchy little studfest

God bless their little G-strings!

All that music and all that beat
Who's feeling funny -

Women
It's a woman's world

Georgie
All those men moving
All that meat
Tonight, honey-honey -

Women
It's a woman's world

Susan
I like the chunky little butt
On that motorcycle cop
I wanna go up there and bite it

Georgie
You'll chip a tooth, honey!

Joanie
Or G.I. Joe with the military jock
I'd give a hundred bucks to see what's inside it

Susan
What's inside it?

Estelle
What's inside it?

All
Why do they hide it?

All that music and all that beat
Making me dizzy
It's a woman's world
All those men moving
all that meat

Georgie
Let's get busy!

All
It's a woman's world
Well it might be the men's room

Georgie
Yeah, but tonight -

All
It's a woman's world!

Jerry
You're out of work, your pride is missin'
They call you jerk but you don't listen
You haven't got a pot to piss in
But you're a ... man

Your hands are rough, your back is hairy
Your talk is tough, your smell is scary
Here's what you're not - you're not a fairy
No you're a beer-drinking, real live man

And when the beef comes out you do the carvin'
You hate Tom Cruise but you love Lee Marvin

You're a man and that's a bonus
'Cause when you're swinging your cojones
You'll show 'em what testosterone is
'Cause you're a boot-wearin', beer-drinking
Chevy-driving man

Don't do it to be the most talked-about man in Buffalo. Don't do it for all the money you're gonna rake in. Don't even do it so your best friend can keep seeing his son, whom he loves more than life. Oh no - do it for yourself, Davie-boy. Show yourself the stuff you're made of. Don't show me.

Dave
You get these plans. They always fail
You've been divorced. You've been to jail
You may be bold. You may be male
But you're a bum bum ba-dum...BUM
You got your dreams, you got your wishes
And I don't want to sound malicious
But you're a nut, and I got dishes -
I'm going home
See ya.

Jerry
You walk away now, but you'll be back. You know you're always there for me.

Dave
Not this time, Fabio. Jerry the Stripper...

Jerry
Surf's up, laides. Here comes Lukowski - the big kahuna - riding your pipeline. I'm hanging ten.

Stand back, ladies. It's quarterback Jerry, throwing a long ball right into your end zone. Touchdown! Wanna go for two?

Bases loaded. It's Bad Boy Jerry, swinging a big, big ol' bat. B-b-banging one right at you, baby. BooYaa!

I'm gonna jump straight up
Kick a hole in the moon
Don't know exactly where i'm going
But I know I'm gonna get there soon
I'll show you, I'll show them all
I'll show them all the real thing

What is a man? Why does he bother?
'Cause he's a man. 'Cause he's a father
He wants his kid, he wants his life
He wants to...
He wants to be
A man
A real man
Yes I am
I'm gonna be
I've gotta be

A real man with a mission
Like you see on television
I'm a real fine gen-u-ine
Man!

Jerry
Let's find a rock
I mean a big-ass rock
Or maybe something like
A cinder block is better
I'll hoist it up
And drop it on your face, my buddy

And just before the lights go out
You'll see my smile and you'll know
You've got a friend
With a rock
Who cares
I mean a big-ass rock

Dave
Or rope
I got some quality rope
Made for a man who's devoid of hope
Like you are, my buddy
Michael -

Malcolm
Unh, that's Malcolm.

Dave
Malcolm. Right!

And I won't leave you swinging there
Twitching like a fish while you claw the air
I'll grab your feet
And pal o' mine
I'll pull real hard
And snap your spinal cord

Jerry
The world is cold whn you're alone and
They ignore you
But don't kill yourself

Jerry & Dave
We'll do it for you
You've got a friend

Dave
You know, I asked a guy once if he'd mind putting me in a barrel and sending me over the falls. You know what the son of a bitch said? "Drop dead, asshole."

Jerry
People are pricks. I asked this guy to take his air compressor and drill me with a six-inch nail right through the eye...

Dave
What'd he say?

Jerry
"I'm low on nails."

Dave
People are selfish pricks.

Jerry
Another time, now get this, I just lay down in front of a steam roller and asked the guy just to proceed, you know, business as usual, and just squash me like a bug.

Dave
That's a good way to go, Jer, the ol' bug squash. We could tie a plastic laundry bag over his head.

Jerry
Naw, that's such a wimp suicide.

Malcolm
I stuck my finger in a socket once. It hurt real bad...but it didn't kill me.

Jerry
Malcolm, stay out of this.

Malcolm
I've got a friend
Like Carole King
Or was it Carly Simon
Used to sing?
I always get those two confused
But anyway -

I turned around
And suddenly
I'm not alone
It ain't just me
I'm like a player on the team
I'm part of the gang...
A member of the club Jerry & Dave
Player on our team
Part of the gang
Welcome to the club

Dave
Oo ... let's get a club

Jerry
I like the big-ass rock

Dave
Naw, one good swing and
I'll clean his clock forever

Jerry
Let gravity do the work!

Dave
It's a man's way to die, Mikey.

Jerry
Malcolm!

Malcolm
I got friends

Oo...
I've got friends

Oo...

Dave & Jerry
Friends who will
Love you like a maniac
And lead you like a lamb
To the railroad track
And tie you down

Or tickle your wrist
With a single-edge razor
Or buy you a beer with
A Draino chaser
Or dump you in the
River with a rock

Malcolm
A big-ass rock

Jerry
Here's a nice one right over here

Dave
Can I give you a hand with that? It looks heavy.

Jerry
No Dave
It's ain't heavy...he's my friend

Dave
Come on, group hug.

Vicki
You gotta love that man
He's like my personal angel
I've always wanted the kind of life
That I've been having as Harold's wife
What a catch I have caught
He would buy me the moon
If the moon could be bought
I'm telling you -
You gotta love that man

Jerry
Why can't you just tell her?

Harold
She adores me. How do you break the heart of someone you love?

Vicki
I really love that man
He likes me dressed to the nines
I saw two words and then ta-da
There's me completely in Prada
And I've got the boots that go with the belt
That goes with the bag
That goes with my wonderful life with Harold
You gotta love that man

So he tells me you boys are rollers at the mill. That's wonderful. Of course, I don't actually know what rollers do, but hey, I hardly know what Harold does over there. It's all steel to me.

Harold
Look at her. She's a piece of Dresden china. She'd break into a million pieces!

Vicki
God, I love that man
But lately he's working too hard
I keep on telling him how we
Should take a few weeks in Maui
And we'll feel the breeze and sample the poi
And go see Don Ho and I'll say
"Oh boy, how I love you, Harold"
I hit the jackpot with Harry

He's a gem - he's a beaut
He looks cute in a suit and he loves me to boot
I'm telling you
You gotta love that man

Love that man
I love that man
I love that man!
Men
Love that man
You gotta love that man
You really gotta love
That man

Horse
When I was just a little nipper
Daddy told me "Son
That thing there underneath your zipper
Can be lots of fun
When you get a little older
You'll understand
That every woman in the world loves
A big black man."

Now I ain't elite, I ain't no man of means
But I got mean feet and my daddy's genes
You just meet me once and you'll understand
There ain't nothing in the world like
A big black man

Cause I'm big and I'm proud
Singing out loud
Dancing it since the day I was born
Who's got the tools?
Who breaks the rules?
'Git back
And let a man do the popcorn!

I'm what your sister and your mother's
Always thinking of
They put my picture on the cover
Of the book of love
Never need a line
I don't need no plan
'Cause there ain't nothin in the world like a -
Here I go,
Now hit me!
Hit me twice!
Hit me three times!

I do the monkey
The mashed potatoes
I do the jerk
Now watch me work!

You can look up and down
All over town
Ask anybody
Ask all around
Who knows the grooves?
Who busta' moves?
I got the...
And the...
And the...

Horse & Jerry
I'm/He's what your sister and your mama's
Always thinking of
I/You take up eight whole chapters
In the book of love
It's a long low load with a deep dark tan
There ain't nothing in the world
Like a big black man

Horse
Sing!

Horse and Jerry
A big black man

Horse, Jerry, Dave
A big black man

Horse, Jerry, Dave, Malcolm
A big black man

Harold
Gotta love a big black man!

All
A big black man!

Dave
Look at you, you're lying there
I feel your milky skin, caress your silky hair
For all these years you've been with me
I tilt my chin and what I see is

Only you...
Not feet or knees
You grumble and I stumble
Towards the Meunster cheese
I'm in your spell, a chubby fool
And anyone can tell
You rule my world - my world -
No matter what I do
You rule my world

Harold
Look at you - my life, my dream -
My lady with the eighty-dollar
Slumber cream
The hundred-dollar haircuts
The novelty appliances we never use

And all those shoes
You bought for when we go on
The Alaskan cruise
My boat is sinking, I don't care
You're everything I want
You rule my world - my world -
You're everything I need

Dave
Anywhere you go I'll follow

Harold
Anywhere I'll follow you

Dave
Anything you want I'll give you

Harold
Anything at all

Harold & Dave
Anything you feel hollow, don't worry

Harold
I'll make you whole.
Look at me

And hold me hard

A moment please, before they seize the Visa card

'Cause I'd do anything to keep you

You rule my world Dave
I'll swallow it whole

Just take a look at me

You never leave my side

Why can't I let you go?

Why can't I just lose -
You rule my world

Harold & Dave
My world

Dave
Though I'm unemployed

Harold
A tad depressed

Dave
I'm overweight

Harold
I'm overdressed

Harold & Dave
There's nothing I can do, you rule my world

Dave
There's nothing I can do...

Jerry
When Michael's got the basketball
It's Michael's house from wall to wall
You hear that name, it's a diff'rent game
When it's Michael Jordan's ball

When it's Michael's ball you're dead, you're through
'Cause Michael takes the game to you
He's in your face, you lost the race
It's Michael Jordan's ball

The fake, the spin
The drive and then he's in the paint
The pump, the jump, and he's up in the air
Like a goddamn saint!

When Micheal bolts and he penetrates
You feel the volts he generates
He's slick as soap, he's King, he's Pope
He's Michael Friggin' Jordan!

Jerry & Men
You fake, you spin, you drive
And then you're in the paint
You pump, you jump, and you're up there!

And you're through the roof
And you're in the zone
Two-hundred-proof testosterone
You're bad, you're hot, you're almost God!

Jerry
You're Michael Jordan...
Say it!
I'm Michael -

Horse
I'm Michael -

Ethan
I'm Michael -

Malcolm
I'm Michael -

Harold
I'm Michael -

Dave
I'm Michael -

Jerry, Dave & Malcolm
I'm Michael - Ethan, Harold & Horse
Michael Jordan -

Dave
Let's get ready to rumba!!

Jeanette
This gig's an echo of that time with Buddy Greco
When we did the Desert Inn in '59
The dancing girls were clunky
The drummer was a junkie
But we pulled the act together
And we killed 'em every time

That having been said, frankly
I think that things are worse here
That guy and his head are gonna need
Some kind of nurse here
It's like a friggin' curse here
Things could be better -
So sue me, it's the truth
Things could be better 'round here

It's an attitude problem. Seen it a million times.

I was subbing with Stan Kenton
In this seedy club in Trenton
When I heard my third divorce
Had just gone through
I coulda torn my heart out
But instead I got my chart out
And I gave 'em all a lesson
In the way to play the blues

That having been said
Something is even more morose here
Just looking ahead's making me feel
Real gross here
We aren't even close here
Things could be better
Could they get any worse? I don't think so
Things could be better 'round here

It's like a putz museum
A showbiz mausoleum
Things could be better 'round here

Dave
There's a problem with the timing

Horse
There's a problem with the groove

Harold
There's an overwhelming lethargy
Nothing can improve

Jeanette
You can sense defeat get closer
Every time they add a move...

Men
There's only six days Ethan
Where am I? Don't worry, I'll get it. Who are you?

Jeanette
This guys needs a helmet
That guy needs some lipo
And I could use some Geritol delivered in a hypo
But I don't wanna gripe -

Men
Oh -
Things could be better

Jeanette
You bet your ass they could.

Things could be better 'round here

Now let me just tell you something...

I've played for hoofers who can't hoof
I've played for tone-deaf singers
And once, when I insulted Frank
I played with broken fingers

I've paid my dues
I know the blues -
Of this I can assure you
So now I'll say it one last time
'Cause I don't want to bore you
I've got some bad news for you

Jeanette
Things could be better

Men
Things could be better
They really could be better

Jeanette
Let's face it, we suck.

Men
We're deep down in the ditch, man

Jeanette
This showbiz is a bitch, man
Things could be better

Men
We could be better

Jeanette
Things could be better 'round -

You know what Kate Smith used to say about a bad rehearsal? Usually means a bad performance.

- here

Jerry
There's a breeze off the river
Through the crack in the window pane
There's my boy on the pillow
And I feel like I'm lost again

Everybody knows the secret
They all know what their life should be
And they move like a river
Everybody knows except for me

And I never feel like somebody somebody
Calls a father
I can't explain
But when I look at you kid, it's like a mirror
It spins my head, it wakes me

Like the breeze off the river
Every time I see your face
And it's strange but familiar
Like a map of a better place

And sometimes I feel like I live in a shadow
And shadow's all I see
Then you jump straight up
And you grab the moon
And you make it shine on me
Where do you get it from?

Everybody knows the secret
Well I don't and I never did
I don't know any secret
All I know is I love you kid
All I know is I love you kid
All I know...

Jerry
Take a look at this girl
That's everything I like
She got the face, she got the waist
She got the legs

Malcolm
Naw, her tits are too big

Jerry
What are you, crazy?
Bodacious funbags are a must!
They gotta be C or D or better
They gotta post a threat to the sweater - ow!

She got the goods!
That's an eight or nine at least
She got the goods

Horse
Let me see that
She has some irredeemable flaws. I give her a six.

Ah - now there's a ten!

Jerry
You call that a ten?

Horse
Based on the booty

Jerry
What do you mean? It's huge.

Horse
She got a butt like a battleship!
I don't need to look above the hip

She got that shelf kinda ass ... you could display your tchotchkes, your collectibles on there.

Baby got back. That's a fact
You could park a wide-track Pontiac in that crack
Now that's the goods
The bigger the cushion -

Jerry
She's got a sofa-bed back there!

Dave
Well we just better hope the women are more forgiving than we are.

Horse
What is that supposed to mean?

Dave
If they're looking at us Sunday night the way we're usually looking at them, we're in trouble.

Nightmare Georgie
Take a look at that opie-looking jer with the pigeon chest!

Nightmare Pam
And I give that fat guy's ass a two
But I wish I had such voluptous breasts

Nightmare Vicki
And what about old Father Time over there?
Yeah, sure he can dance
But I didn't pay twenty bucks to look at
Red Foxx skip around in a pair of
Blue underpants

Women
That ain't the goods

Dave
What happens when they say that?

Women
This is not the goods!

Nightmare Estelle
He's fat, he's old, he's skinny, he's bald
He's short
He's got pimples on his ass

Women
He's fat, he's old, he's skinny, he's bald
He's short
He's got pimples on his ass

Men
Women can be lovers
Women can be pals
Women can be modern types
Or sweet old-fashioned gals

Women can be angels on earth
But then again
Holy goddamn fucking shit...
Women can be men

Women
He's fat, he's old, he's skinny
He's bald, he's short
He's fat, he's old, he's skinny
He's bald, he's short

Harold
I've got pimples
All over my ass!!
Look at it! Jesus!
That ain't the goods Women
He's got pimples
All over his ass

That ain't the goods

Horse
I feel extremely insecure
All of a sudden

Dave
What am I doin' here?

Men
What am I doin' here?
What the hell am I doing here

All
This ain't the goods

Malcolm
Is is the wind
Over my shoulder?
Is it the wind that I hear gently whispering
Are you alone there in the valley?
No, not alone for you walk, you walk with me

Is it the wind there over my shoulder?
Is it your voice calling quietly?
Over the hilltop, down in the valley
Never alone for you walk with me

When evening falls
And the air gets colder
When shadows cover the road I am following
Will I be along there in the darkness?
No, not alone, not alone
And I'll never be...

Ethan
Never alone, you are walking
You're walking with me

Malcolm & Ethan
Is it the wind there, over my shoulder?
Is it your voice calling quietly?
Over the hilltop, down in the valley
Never alone for you walk with me
Over the hilltop, down in the valley
Never alone for you walk with me

Malcolm
Never alone for you walk with me

Georgie
I look at you and what I see
The only man I ever loved in front of me
I chose you, Dave, it hasn't changed
You're everything I want, you rule my world

Vicki
Look at you, you're standing there
You're still a prince
You're still the answer to a prayer
And what I see is all I want
You're everything -

Georgie
You're everything

Vicki
Anywhere you go, I'll be there

Georgie
Anywhere I'll follow you

Vicki
Anything you want, I'll give you

Georgie
Anything at all

Vicki
Anytime you're lost

Both
That's me there, I'm with you

Vicki
I'll see you back home Georgie
I'll take you home

Georgie
Look at me -

Vicki
Look at me, Harold

Georgie
And hold me tight

Vicki
Honey, don't you understand?

Georgie
You're like the morning sun to me
But twice as bright

Vicki
I'll never let you go

Georgie
And what I see is what I get

Both
And it's everything I want
You rule my world
You rule my world

Georgie
You're everything I need

Ethan
Did I capture your imagination?
Did I break you down and make you smile?
It's a serious little situation
Why don't we loosen up and dance a while?

Dave
You need a loose-lipped lover
With a heart of honey

Harold
You need a sex cadet when duty calls

Malcolm
Come on show me all your bare-faced beauty

Horse
I wanna see our shadows bouncing off the walls

Ethan, Malcolm, Dave, Horse & Harold
Let it go, let it go, loose up, yeah, let it go
Let it go, let it go, it's all right
Let it go, let it go, shake it up now, let it go
You just tell me when you think you're ready

Malcolm
Let the music be the master

Horse
I got a whammy bar on my brown guitar

Dave
You can play me like a stratocaster

Jerry
'Cause here I am and baby, there you are!

Jerry and Ethan
Well I'm a rocket boy with a touch like silver

Horse & Harold
And I'm crashing through your bedroom door

Jerry, Ethan, Malcolm
And I'm ready like I hope you're ready

Jerry
Come on I'll show you mine
If you show me yours

Men
Let it go, let it go, loose up, yeah, let it go
Let it go, let it go, it's all right
Let it go, let it go, shake it up now, let it go
You just tell me when you think you're ready

Let it go -

Jerry
Gentlemen - we only live once

Men
Let it go, let it go
Loosen up, yeah, let it go
Let it go, let it go
It's all right

Let it go, let it go
Shake it up now, let it go

Let it go!
Women
Let it go, let it go
Let it go

Let it go
Let it go, go