Overture

Comedy Tonight

Love, I Hear

Free

House of Marcus Lycus

Lovely

Pretty Little Picture

Everybody Ought to Have a Maid

I'm Calm

Impossible

Bring Me My Bride

That Dirty Old Man

That'll Show Him

Lovely (Reprise)

Funeral Sequence

Comedy Tonight (Finale)

The Orchestra

PROLOGUS
Playgoers, I bid you welcome. The Theatre is a temple, and we are here to worship
the gods of comedy and tragedy. Tonight, I am pleased to announce a comedy. We shall
employ every device we know in our desire to divert you.

Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everyone -
A comedy tonight!

Something appealing,
Something appalling,
Something for everyone -
A comedy tonight!

Nothing with Kings,
Nothing with Crowns,
Bring on the lovers,
Liars and Clowns!

Old situations,
New complications,
Nothing portentous or polite:
Tragedy tomorrow,
Comedy tonight!

Tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight!

Something expensive,
Something offensive,
Something for everyone -
A comedy tonight!

Passions and potions,
Constant commotions,
Something for everyone -
A comedy tonight!

Nothing with Kings,
Nothing with Crowns,
Bring on the lovers,
Liars and Clowns!

Old situations,
New complications,
Nothing portentous or polite:
Tragedy tomorrow -

PROLOGUS/PROTEANS
Comedy tonight!

PROTEANS
Something convulsive,
Something repulsive,

PROLOGUS
Something for everyone -
A comedy tonight!
Something esthetic,

PROTEANS
Something balletic,

PROLOGUS
Something for everyone -

PROTEANS
A comedy tonight!

PROLOGUS
Nothing with gods,
Nothing with fate,

PROTEANS
Weighty affairs will just have to wait.

PROLOGUS
Nothing that's formal,

PROTEANS
Nothing that's normal,

PROLOGUS
No recitations to recite!

ALL
Open up the curtain -
Comedy tonight!

PROLOGUS
It all takes place on a street in Rome, around and about these three houses.
First, the house of Erronius, a befuddled old man abroad now in search of his children,
stolen in infancy by pirates. Second, the house of Lycus, a buyer and seller of the
flesh of beautiful women. That's for those of you ho have absolutely no interest
in pirates. And finally, the house of Senex, who lives here with his wife and son.
Also in this house lives Pseudolus is probably my favorite character in the piece.
A role of enormous variety and nuance, and played by an actor of such . . . well,
let me put it this way . . . I play the part.

Anything you ask for -
Comedy Tonight!

And now the entire company!

ALL
Something familiar,
Something peculiar,
Something for everyone -
Comedy tonight!

Something that's gaudy,
Something that's bawdy,

PROLOGUS
Something for everybawdy -

ALL
Comedy tonight!

MILES Nothing that's grim,

Domina
Nothing that's Greek,

Prologus
She plays Media later this week.

ALL
Stunning surprise,
Cunning disguises,
Hundreds of actors out of sight!

HERO
Pantaloons and tunics!

SENEX
Courtesans and tunics!

PHILIA
Funerals and chases!

DOMINA
Baritones and basses!

HYSTERIUM
Panderers!

MILES
Philanderers!

PROTEAN (no.1)
Cupidity!

PHILIA
Timidty!

GEMINAE/HYSTERIUM
Mistakes!

PROTEAN (no.2)/SENEX
Fakes!

VIBRATA/PANACEA/PHILIA/MILES
Rhymes!

PROTEAN (no.3)/TINTINABULA/DOMINA
Mimes!

ALL
Tumblers!
Grumblers!
Fumblers!
Bumblers!

No royal curse,
No trojan horse,
And a happy ending, of course!
Goodness and badness,
Man in his madness,
This time it all turns out all right!
Tragedy tomorrow!

PROLOGUS
Comedy!

LYCUS
Comedy!

ALL
Comedy Tonight!

PROLOGUS
One - Two - Three!

HERO
Now that we're alone,
May I tell you,
I've been feeling very strange?
Either something's in the air
Or else a change
Is happening in me.
I think I know the cause,
I hope I know the cause.
From everything I've heard,
There's only one cause it can be ...

Love, I hear,
Makes you sigh a lot.
Love, I hear,
Leaves you weak.
Love, I hear,
Makes you blush
And turns you ashen.
You try to speak with passion
And squeak,
I hear.

Love, they say,
Makes you pine away,
But you pine away,
With an idiotic grin.
I pine, I blush,
I squeak, I squawk.
Today I woke
Too weak to walk
What's love, I hear,
I feel, ... I fear ...
I'm in.

See what I mean?
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da...
(I hum a lot, too.)
I'm dazed, I'm pale,
I'm sick, I'm sore;
I've never felt so well before!
What's love, I hear,
I feel ... I fear ...
I know I am ...
I'm sure ... I mean ...
I hope ... I trust ...
I pray ... I must ...
Be in!

Forgive me if I shout ...
Forgive me if I crow ...
I've only just found out
and, well ...
I thought you ought to know.

HERO
Pseudolus!

PSEUDOLUS
Yes, master!

HERO
Get me that girl!

PSEUDOLUS
And if I can?

HERO
You are free!

PSEUDOLUS
I am what?

HERO
Free!

PSEUDOLUS
Free!
Oh, what a word!
Oh, what a word!

Say it again.

HERO
Free!

PSEUDOLUS
I've often thought,
I've often dreamed
How it would be. . .
And yet I never thought I'd be . . .

Once more!

HERO
Free!

PSEUDOLUS
But when you come to think of such things . . .
A man should have the rights that all others . . .
Can you imagine what it will be like when I am . . .
Can you see me?

Can you see me as a roman with my head unbowed?
(Sing it good and loud . . .)

HERO
Free!

PSEUDOLUS
Like a roman having rights
And a roman, proud!
Can you see me?

HERO
I can see you!

PSEUDOLUS
Can you see me as a voter fighting graft and vice?
(Sing it soft and nice . . .)

HERO
Free!

PSEUDOLUS
Why, I'll be so conscientious that I may vote twice!
Can you see me?
Can you see me?

When I'm free to be whatever I want to be.
Think what wonders I'll accomplish then!
When the master that I serve is me
And just me,
Can you see me being equal with my countrymen?
Can you see me being Pseudolus the citizen?
Can you see me being . . .
(Give it to me once again!)

HERO
Free!

PSEUDOLUS
That's it!

HERO
Free!

PSEUDOLUS
Yes!

HERO
Fre . . .

PSEUDOLUS
Now, not so fast . . .
I didn't think . . .
The way I am ,
I have a roof,
Three meals a day,
And I don't have to pay a thing,
I'm just a slave and everything's free.
If I were free.
Then nothing would be free.
And if I'm beaten now and then,
What does it matter?

HERO
Free!

PSEUDOLUS
Can you see me?

Can you see me as a poet writing poetry?
All my verse will be --

HERO
Free!

PSEUDOLUS
A museum will have me pickled for posterity!
Can you see me?

HERO
Free!

PSEUDOLUS
Can you see me as a lover, one of great renown,
Women falling down?

HERO
Free?

PSEUDOLUS
No,
But I'll but the house of Lycus for my house in town.
Can you see me?
Can't you see me?

Be you anything from king to baker of cakes,
You're a vegetable unless you're free!
It's a little word, but oh, the difference it makes!
It's the necessary essence of democracy,
It's the thing that every slave should have the right to be.
And I soon will have the right to buy a slave for me!
Can you see him?
Well, I'll free him!

When a Pseudolus can move,
The universe shakes,
But I'll never move until I'm free!
Such a little word, but,
Oh, the difference it makes!
I'll be Pseudolus, the founder of a family;
I'll be Pseudolus the pillar of society,
I'll be Pseudolus the man, if I can only be --

HERO
Free!

PSEUDOLUS
Sing It!

HERO
Free!

PSEUDOLUS
Spell it!

HERO
F - R - Double . . .

PSEUDOLUS
No, The long way . . .

HERO
F - R - E - E

BOTH
Free!

PSEUDOLUS
Lycus, I am now in the market for a lifetime companion. Tell me, have you anything
lying about in there, anything to satisfy and Olympian appetite?

LYCUS
Pseudolus, friend and citizen, I have traveled the world in search of beauty, and I can
say with modesty that I have the finest assortment in Rome.

PSEUDOUS
Show me.

LYCUS
Eunichs! A buyer!

There is merchandise for every need.
At the house of Marcus Lycus.
All the merchandise is guaranteed,
At the house of Marcus Lycus.
For a sense of sensuality
Or an opulance thereof,
Patronize the house of Marcus Lycus,
Merchant of love.

For your most assured approval and your more than possible purchase, here are the
fruits of my search. Behold . . . Tintinabula. Out of the east with the face of an
idol . . . the arms of a willow tree . . . and the pelvis of a camel.

Next, may I present Panacea?
To make her available to you, I outbid the King of Nubia. Panacea, with a face that holds
a thousand promises, and a body that stands behind each promise.

Or consider the Geminae.
A matched pair. Either one a divinely assembled woman, together an infinite number of
mathematical possibilities.

An now, prepare yourself for Vibrata. Vibrata?
Exotic as a desert bloom . . . wonderous as a flamingo . . . lithe as a tigress . . .
for the man whose interest is wild life . . .

And now the ultimate: Gymnasia.
Gymnasia: a giant stage on which a thousand dramas can be played.

There is mercandise foe every need

GIRLS
At the house of Marcus Lycus.

LYCUS
All the merchandise is guarunteed

GIRLS
At the house of Marcus Lycus.

LYCUS
For a sense of sensibility
And a plethora thereof . . .
One is Ecstasy,
One is Mystery,
One is six foot three,
Two is company --
At the House of Marcus Lycus,
Merchant of Love.

And need I add, as all who are of the house of Lycus, these beauties are well versed
in the arts, proficient at needlework, and surprised at nothing.

PHILIA
I'm lovely,
All I am is lovely,
Lovely is the one thing I can do.
Winsome,
Radiant as in some,
Dream come true.

Oh,
Isn't it a shame?
I can neither sew,
Nor cook, Nor read or write my name.

But I'm happy
Merely being lovely,
For it's one thing I can give to you.

HERO
Philia . . .

PHILIA
Yes?

HERO
Say my name.

PHILIA
Just say your name?

HERO
Yes.

PHILIA
Very well.
I have forgotten it.

HERO
It's Hero.

PHILIA
Oh, forgive me, Hero. I have no memory for names.

HERO
You don't need it. You don't need anything

You're lovely.
Absolutely lovely.
Who'd believe the lovelyness of you?
Winsome,
Sweet and warm and winsome,
Radiant as in some
Dream come true.

PHILIA
True!

PROTEANS
True!

HERO
Now Venus would seem tame,
Helen and her thousand ships
Would have to die of shame

PROTEANS
Lovely, Lovely
MM-MM-MM

BOTH
And I'm happy,
Happy that you're (I'm) lovely,

For there's one thing loveliness can do;
It's a gift for me to share with you!

PSEUDOLUS
In the Tiber there sits a boat,
Gently dipping its bow,
Trim and tidy and built to float,
Pretty little picture?
Now . . .
Put a boy on the starboard side,
Leaning out at the rail,
Next to him put a blushing bride,
Slim and slender and starry-eyed.
Down below put a tiny bed,
The sun gets pale,
The sea gets red,
And off they sail on the first high tide,
The boat and the bed and the boy and the bride!

It's a pretty little picture,
Oh my! Pretty little picture,
How true! Pretty little picture
Which I, Pseudolittleus, give to you!

Feel the roll of the playful waves,
See the sails as they swell.
Hear the whips on the galley slaves,
Pretty little picture?
Well . . .
Let it carry your cares away,
Out of sight, out of mind,
Past the bouy and through the bay . . .
Soon there's nothing but sea and spray.
Night descends and the moon's aglow,
Your arms entwined,
You steal below,
And far behind at the edge of the day,
The bong of the bell of the bouy in the bay,
And the boat and the bouy and the bride are away!

It's a pretty little picture to share,
As the little boat sails to sea,
Take a little trip free as air;
Have a little freedom on me!

No worries,
No bothers

PHILIA
No captains,

HERO
No fathers!

PSEUDOLUS
In the ocean an island waits,
Smooth and sandy and pink,
Filled with lemons and nuts and dates . . .
Pretty little picture?
Think:
In a cottage of cypress tress,
Seashells dotting the door.
Boy and bride live a life of ease,
Doing nothing but what they please,
And every night when the stars appear,
There's nothing more to see or hear,
There's just the shore
Where the lovers lie,
The sand and the sea and the stars and the sky,
And the sound of a soft little satisfied sigh . . .

ALL
All you pretty little problems will cease,
And your little blessings will flow,
And your little family increase.
Pretty little picture?

PSEUDOLUS
No! No!
Pretty little masterpiece!

ALL
Pretty little masterpiece!

PSEUDOLUS
Pretty little picture!

SENEX
Maids like me. I'm neat. I like maids. They're neat.
Something no household should be without.
Everybody ought to have a maid

PSEUDOLUS
Everybody ought to have a maid.

SENEX
Everybody ought to have a working girl,
Everybody ought to have a lurking girl,
To putter around the house.

Everybody ought to have a maid.

PSEUDOLUS
Everybody ought to have a maid.

SENEX
Everybody ought to have a menial,
Consistantly congenial
And quieter than a mouse.

Oh! Oh,
Wouldn't she be delicious,
tidying up the dishes,
Neat as a pin?
Oh! oh,
Wouldn't she be delightful,
Sweeping out, Sleeping in?
Everybody ought to have a maid!

PSEUDOLUS
Everybody ought to have a maid.

SENEX
Someone whom you hire when you're short of help,
To offer you the sort of help
You never get from a spouse.
Fluttering up the stairway,
Shuttering up the windows,
Cluttering up the bedroom,
Buttering up the master,
Puttering all around the house!

Oh! Oh,
Wouldn't she be delicious,
tidying up the dishes,
Neat as a pin?
Oh! oh,
Wouldn't she be delightful,
Sweeping out,
Sleeping in?

Everybody ought to have maid!

PSEUDOLUS
Everybody ought to have a maid.

SENEX
Someone who, when fetching you your slipper, will
Be winsome as a whipporwill
And graceful as a grouse,
Skittering down the hallway,
Flittering through the parlor,
Titering in the pantry,
Littering up the bedroom,

SENEX/PSEUDOLUS
Puttering all around
The house!

HYSTERIUM
A maid?

PSEUDOLUS
A maid.

SENEX
A maid.

ALL
A maid!

Everybody ought to have a maid.
Everybody ought to have a serving girl.
A loyal and unswerving girl,
Who's quieter than a mouse.

HYSTERIU
Oh! oh!
Think of her at the dustbin,
'Specially when she's just been traipsing about.
Oh! oh!
Wouldn't she be delightful
Living in . . .

SENEX
Giving out?

ALL
Everybody ought to have a maid.
Daintily collecting bits of paper 'n strings
Appealing in her apron strings,

SENEX
Beguiling in her blouse!

HYSTERIUM
Pattering through the attic,

SENEX
Chattering in the cellar,

PSEUDOLUS
Clattering in the kitchen,

SENEX
Flattering in the bedroom,

ALL
Puttering all around
The house.
The house.
The house.
The house.

HYSTERIUM
A maid?

PSEUDOLUS
A maid.

SENEX
A maid.

LYCUS
A maid!

ALL
Everybody ought to have a maid.
Someone who's efficient and reliable,
Obedient and pliable,
And quieter than a mouse.

Oh! Oh!
Wouldn't she be so nimble,
Fiddling with her thimble,
Mending a gown?
Oh! Oh!
Wouldn't she be delightful,

LYCUS
Cleaning up . . .

SENEX
Leaning down!

ALL
Everybody ought to have a maid.
Someone who'll be busy as a bumblebee
And even if you grumble, be
As graceful as a grouse?

PSEUDOLUS
Wriggling in the anteroom,

HYSTERIUM
Jiggling in the living room,

LYCUS
Giggling in the dining room,

SENEX
Wiggling in the other rooms,

ALL
Puttering all around
The house,
The house,
The house,
The house!

HYSTERIUM
I'm calm, I'm calm,
I'm perfectly calm,
I'm utterly under control,
I haven't a worry,
Where others would hurry,
I stroll.

I'm calm, I'm cool,
A gibbering fool,
Is something I never become,
When thunder is rumbling,
And other are crumbling,
I hum.

I must think calm, comforting things,
Butterfly wings,
Emerald rings,
Or a murmuring brook . . .
murmuring, murmuring, murmuring . . .
Look:

I'm calm, I'm calm,
I haven't a qualm.
I'm utterly under control,
Let nothing confuse me,
or faze me . . .
excuse me . . .
I'm calm,
Oh, so calm,
Oh, so . . .

SENEX
Hysterium!

SENEX
Why did he look at her that way?

HERO
Why did he look at her that way?

BOTH
Must be my imagination.

SENEX
She's a lovely blooming flower.
He's just a sprout . . .
Impossible!

HERO
She's a lovely blooming flower.
He's all worn out . . .
Impossible!

SENEX
Just a fledgling in the nest . . .

HERO
Just a man who needs a rest . . .

SENEX
He's a beemish boy at best . . .

HERO
Poor old fellow.

SENEX
He's a child, He's too repressed,
While she's full of life . . .
Impossible!

HERO
He's a man with chronic asthma,
Gout and a wife . . .
Impossible!

SENEX
Romping in the nursery . . .

HERO
He looks tired . . .

SENEX
Son, sit on your father's knee.

HERO
Father, can you lean on me.

BOTH
Him?
Impossible!

HERO
But why did he wave at her that way?

SENEX
Why did she wave at him that way?

BOTH
Could there be an explanation?

HERO
Women often want a father,
She may want mine . . .
It's possible!

SENEX
He's a handsome lad of twenty,
I'm thirty-nine . . .
It's possible!

HERO
Older men know so much more . . .

SENEX
in a way, I'm forty-four . . .

HERO
Next to him, I'll be a bore . . .

SENEX
All right fifty!

HERO
Then again, he is my father,
I ought to trust,
Impossible!

SENEX
Then again, with love at my age,
Sometimes it's just
Impossible!

HERO
With a girl, I'm ill-at-ease . . .

SENEX
I don't feel well . . .

HERO
Sir, about those birds and bees . . .

SENEX
Son, a glass of water please. . .

BOTH
The situations fraught,
Fraughter than I thought,
With horrible,
Impossible,
Possibilities!

MILES
Stand aside, everyone! I take large steps!

SOLDIERS
One, Two, One, Two . . .

MILES
We not only fought but we won, too!

SOLDIERS
One, Two, One, Two . . .
Left, Right, Left, Right . . .

MILES
There's none of the enemy left, Right?

SOLDIERS
Right! Left! . . . Uh . . . Ri . . . Uh . . . Left!

MILES
Halt!

PSEUDOLUS
Hail, Miles Gloriousus.
Welcome to my house, great captain.
Your bride awaits you.

MILES
My bride!
My bride! My bride!
I've come to claim my bride,
Come tenderly to crush her against my side!
Let haste be made,
I cannot be delayed!
There are lands to conquer,
Cities to loot
And people to degrade!

SOLDIERS
Look at those arms!
Look at that chest!
Look at them!

MILES
Not to mention the rest!
Even I am impressed.

My bride! My bride!
Come bring to me my bride!
My lust for her no longer can be denied!
Convey the news.
I have no time to lose!
There are towns to plunder,
Temples to burn
And women to abuse!

SOLDIERS
Look at that foot!
Look at that heel!
Mark the magnificent muscles of steel!

MILES
I am my ideal!

I, Miles Gloriosus,
I, slaughterer of thousands,
I, oppessor of the meek,
Subduer of the weak,
Degrader of the Greek,
Destroyer of the Turk,
Must hurry back to work!

MILES
COURTESANS
I, Miles Gloriosus,
I, Paragon of virtues,
Him, Miles Gloriosus
Him, Paragon of virtues,

SOLDIERS
A man among men!
With sword and with pen!

MILES
I, in war the most admired,
In wit the most inspired,
In love the most desired,
In dress the best displayed,
I am a parade!

ALL
Him!
Him!
Him!

SOLDIERS
Look at those eyes,
Cunning and keen!
Look at the size of those thighs,
Like a mighty machine!

PSEUDOLUS
Those are the mightiest thighs that I ever have theen!
I mean . . .

MILES
My bride! My bride!
Inform my lucky bride:
The fabled arms of Miles are open wide!
Make haste! Make haste!
I have no time to waste!
There are shrines I should be sacking,
Ribs I should be cracking,
Eyes to gouge and booty to divide!
Bring me my bride!

SOLDIERS
Bring him his bride!

ALL
Brind him his bride!

DOMINA
For over thirty years,
I've cried myself to sleep,
Assailed by doubts and fears
So great the gods themselves would weep!
The moment I am gone,
I wonder where he'll go.
In all your simple honesty,
You can't begin to know,
Ohhhh . . .

I want him,
I need him.
Where is he?
That dirty old man is here somewhere,
Cavorting with someone young and fair,
Disporting in every shameless whim,
Just wait till I get my hands on him!

I'll hold him,
Enfold him.
Where is he?
That dirty old man,
Where can he be?
Profaning our vows for all to see,
Complaining how he's misunderstood,
Abusing me (if he only would!)

Oh, Love,
Sweet love,
Why hide?
You vermin, you worm, you villain!
Come face,
Embrace
Your bride!
Wherever he is, I know he's still an angel,
My angel,
Where is he,
That dirty old man divine?
I love him,
I love him,
That lecherous, lewd, lascivious, loathsome, lying, lazy,
Dirty old man of mine!

PHILIA
Let the captain wed me and woo me,
I shall play my part!
Let him make his mad passion to me,
You will have my heart,
He can have the body he paid for,
Nothing but the body he paid for,
When he has the body he paid for,
Our revenge will start!

When I kiss him,
I'll be kissing you,
So I'll kiss him morning and night -
That'll show him,
When I hold him,
I'll be holding you,
So I'll hold him ten times as tight -
That'll show him, too!
I shall coo and tenderly stroke his hair,
Wish that you were there -
You'd enjoy it!

When It's evening
And we're in our tent for two,
I'll sit on his knee,
Get to know him intimately,
That'll show him
How much I really love you!

PSEUDOLUS
Come out here! Come on out!

HYSTERIUM
You didn't tell me I'd have to be a girl

PSEUDOLUS
A dead girl. The captain will see you, go on his way and all will be well.

HYSTERIUM
He'll never believe I'm a girl. Look at me. Just look at me.

PSEUDOLUS
I can't take my eyes off you
You're lovely,
Absolutely lovely,
Who'd believe the loveliness of you?

HYSTERIUM
No.

PSEUDOLUS
Come back.
Perfect,
Sweet and warm and winsome,
Radiant as in some
Dream come true.

Now
Venus will seem tame,
Helen and her thousand ships
Will have to die of shame!
You're so lovely,
Literally lovely,
That the world will never seem the same!

Now lie there, close your eyes and think dead thoughts. Good!

HYSTERIUM
I'm lovely,
Absolutely lovely,
Who'd believe the loveliness of me?
Perfect,
Sweet and warm and winsome,
Radiant as in some dream come true.
Now. . .

HYSTERIUM
Shouldn't I have some jewelry?

PSEUDOLUS
Jewelry?

HYSTERIUM
Yeah!

PSEUDOLUS
Here - take the old man's ring.

HYSTERIUM
Flowers!

PSEUDOLUS
What?

HYSTERIUM
I should have some flowers!

PSEUDOLUS
Flowers? Flowers!

HYSTERIUM
I'm so lovel,

PSEUDOLUS
Frighteningly lovely -

BOTH
That the world will never seem the same -

PSEUDOLUS
You're so lovely -

BOTH
That the world will never seem the same -

PSEUDOLUS
Gather around, handmaidens of sorrow.

MILES
Sound the flute,
Blow the horn,
Pluck the lute,
Forward mourn!

All Crete was at her feet,
All Thrace was in her thrall,
All Sparta loved her sweetness
And gaul . . .

PSEUDOLUS
And Spain . . .

MILES
And Greece . . .

PSEUDOLUS
And Egypt . . .

MILES
And Syria . . .

PSEUDOLUS
And Mesopotamia . . .

MOURNERS
All Crete was at her feet,
All Thrace was in her thrall,
Oh, why should such a blossom fall?

MILES
Speak the spells,
Chant the charms,
Toll the bells -

PSEUDOLUS
Fold the arms!

Sir, on behalf of the body, I want to thank you for a lovely funeral.
I don't know about you, but I've suffered enough. If you will just give me
the contract, I shall take the body and then . . .

MILES
Strew the soil,
Strum the lyre,
Spread the oil,
Build the pyre!

PSEUDOLUS
Whoa! A pyre? What kind of pyre?

MILES
A pyre of fire.

PSEUDOLUS
Oh, a fire pyre.

MILES
She must be burned!

PSEUDOLUS
Burned? Sir!

MILES
I want her ashes!

PSEUDOLUS
Captain, I implore you: It is not for us to destroy such loveliness.
The gods are aeaiting her. They would not be happy if we sent up a charred virgin.

MILES
I cannot afford to offend the gods.

PSEUDOLUS
Who can?
All Crete was at her feet,
But I shall weep no more,
I'll find my consolation as before,
Among the simple pleasures of war!

PSEUDOLUS
Lovers divided
Get coincided.
Something for everyone -

HERO and PHILIA
A comedy tonight!

PSEUDOLUS
Father and mother
Get one another.

DOMINA
Something for everyone -

SENEX
A tragedy tonight!

MILES
I get the twins!
They get the best!

ERRONIUS
I get a family.

HYSTERIUM
I get a rest.

SOLDIERS
We get a few girls.

LYCUS
I'll get some new girls.

PSEUDOLUS
I get the thing I want to be:
FREE!

ALL
Free!
Free!
Free!
Free!
Free!

Nothing for kings,
Nothing for crowns,
Something for lovers liars and clowns!

What is the moral?
Must be a moral.
Here is the moral, wrong or right:

PSEUDOLUS
Morals tomorrow!

ALL
Comedy, Comedy, Comedy,
Comedy, Comedy, Comedy,
Comedy, Comedy,
Comedy Tonight!