Overture

Opening Night

The King of Broadway

We Can Do It

Unhappy

I Wanna Be a Producer

In Old Bavaria

Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop

Keep It Gay

When You Got It, Flaunt It

Along Came Bialy

That Face

Have You Ever Heard the German Band?

It's Bad Luck to Say Good Luck on Op'ning Night

Springtime for hitler

Where Did We Go Right?

Betrayed

'Til Him

Prisoners Of Love (Leo & Max)

Goodbye!

texttext

USHERETTE #1 & #2:
Opening night...
It's opening night!
It's Max Bialystock's latest show
Will it flop or will it go?
The cast is taking its final bow
Here comes the audience now
The doors are open: they're on their way...
Let's hear what they have to say!

FIRST NIGHTERS:
He's done it again
He's done it again
Max Bialystock has done it again!
We can't believe it
You can't conceive it...

MAN FIRST NIGHTER:
How'd he achieve it?

FIRST NIGHTERS:
It's the worst show in town!
We sat there sighing
Groaning and crying
There's no denying
It's the worst show in town!

WOMEN FIRST NIGHTERS:
Oh, we wanted to stand up and hiss...

MEN FIRST NIGHTERS:
We've seen shit...

FIRST NIGHTERS:
But never like this!
Max Bialystock has done it again!
The songs were rotten
The book was stinkin'
What he did to Shakespeare
Booth did to Lincoln!
We couldn't leave faster...

USHERETTE #1 & #2:
What a disaster!

FIRST NIGHTERS & USHERETTES:
We are still in shock
Who produced this shlock?
That slimey, sleazy Max Bialystock
What a bum!!

MAX:
I used to be the king, the king of old Broadway
The best of ev'rything was mine to have each day
I always had the biggest hits
The biggest bathrooms at the Ritz
My showgirls had the biggest tits!
I never was the pits in any way!
WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY:
We believe you, thousands wouldn't
We believe you, ev'ry word
We believe you, thousands couldn't
We believe each word we've heard
MAX:
I used to be the king...
WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY:
The King?
MAX:
The king of old Broadway...
BLIND VIOLINIST:
It's good to be the king!
MAX:
My praises they would sing
A Ziegfeld so they'd say
My shows were always filled with class
The best champagnes would fill my glass
My lap was filled with gorgeous ass
You couldn't call me crass in any way!
WORKMAN, BUM, BAG LADY, VIOLINIST, USHERETTES, NUNS, STREET CLEANER:
We believe you, thousands wouldn't
We believe you, ev'ry word
We believe you, thousands couldn't
We believe each word we've heard
MAX:
There was a time
When I was young and gay...
But straight
There was a time
When I was bold
There was a time
When each and ev'ry play I touched
Would turn to gold
CHORUS:
There was a time
He wore the finest clothes
His shoes were always new
Ahh!
MAX:
Now I wear a rented tux
That's two weeks overdue!
CHORUS:
Poor Bialy, what a shmoozer
Poor Bialy, what a shame
Poor Bialy, what a loser
Poor Bialy, goodbye fame

MAX:

Rented tux...
Overdue...
Way overdue
MAX:
Such reviews! How dare they insult me in this manner?
How quickly they forget. I am Max Bialystock!
The first producer ever to do summer stock in the winter!
CHORUS:
Once he was the king...
MAX:
You've heard of Theatre in the Round?
You're looking at the man who invented Theatre in the Square!
Nobody had a good seat!
CHORUS:
King of old Broadway
MAX:
I've spent my entire life in the theater.
I was a protege of the great Boris Tomaschevski.
CHORUS:
Ooh!
MAX:
Yes. He taught me everything I know.
I'll never forget, he turned to me on his deathbed and said,
"Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!"
NUN #1:
What does that mean?
MAX:
Who knows? I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he.
But in my heart I knew what he was saying.
He was saying, when you're down and out, and everybody thinks you're finished,
that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout,
"Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this town?!"
CHORUS:
Yay!
MAX:
I used to be the king
The king of old Broadway
Again I will be king
And be on top to stay

CHORUS:
Used to be the king
King of old Broadway

On top to stay, hey!
MAX:
There'll be gala opening nights again
You'll see my name in lights again
I'll go from dark to brights again
My spirits high as kites again
I'll never suffer slights again
I'll taste those sweet delights again
No plethora of plights again
No blossoming of blights again
No frantic fits or frights again
Fame is in my sights again
I'll take those fancy flights again
I'm gonna scare the heights again
Bialystock will never drop
Bialystock will never stop...
Bialystock will be on top again
CHORUS:
Fame is in his sights again
He'll take those fancy flights again
He's gonna scale the heights again
MAX:
I'll be on top again, hey!

CHORUS:
He'll be on top again, hey!

MAX:
Don't you see, Bloom. Darling Bloom, glorious Bloom. It's so simple.
Step One: we find the worst play ever written.
Step Two: we hire the worst director in town.
Step Three: I raise two million dollars...
LEO:
Two?
MAX:
Yes! One for me, one for you. There's a lot of little old ladies out there.
Step Four: We hire the worst actors in New York and open on Broadway.
And before you can say Step Five, we close on Broadway, take our two million and go to Rio.
LEO:
Rio? Nah, that'd never work.
MAX:
Oh ye of little faith.
What did Lewis say to Clark
When everything looked bleak?
What did Sir Edmund say to Tenzing
As they struggled toward Everest's peak?
What did Washington say to his troops
As they crossed the Delaware
I'm sure you're well aware...
LEO:
What'd they say?
MAX:
We can do it, we can do it
We can do it, me and you
We can do it, we can do it
We can make our dreams come true
Everything you've ever wanted
Is just waiting to be had
Beautiful girls, wearing nothing but pearls
Caressing you, undressing you
And driving you mad
We can do it, we can do it
This is not the time to shirk
We can do it, you won't rue it
Say goodbye to petty clerk
Hi, producer: yes, producer
I mean you, sir, go beserk!
We can do it, we can do it
And I know it's gonna work
Whatta ye say, Bloom?
LEO:
What do I say
Finally a chance to be a Broadway producer!
What do I say?
Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir!
What do I say, what do I say
Here's what I say to you, sir...
I can't do it, I can't do it
I can't do it, that's not me
I'm a loser, I'm a coward
I'm a chicken, don't you see?
When it comes to wooing women
There's a few things that I lack
Beautiful girls, wearing nothing but pearls...
Cashing me, embracing me
I'd have an attack
MAX:
Why, you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar!
Don't you ever want to become a butterfly?
Don't you want to spread your wings and flap your way to glory?
MAX:
We can do it

We can do it

We can grab that holy grail!

We can do it

We can do it

Drink champagne, not ginger ale

Come on, Leo
Can't you see-o ...

LEO:
Mr. Bialystock
Please stop the song
You've got me wrong
I'll say "so long"
I'm not as strong
A person as you think
Mr. Bialystock
Just take a look
I'm not a crook
I'm just a shnook
The bottom line
Is that I stink!
I...can't...
Do...it!
LEO:
You see Rio, I see jail!
MAX:
We can do it!
LEO:
I can't do it!
MAX:
We can do it!
LEO:
I cannot, cannot, cannot
'Cause I know it's gonna fail
MAX:
We can do it!
MAX:
I know it cannot fail

LEO:
It's gonna fail

texttext

THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Unhappy...unhappy..very unhappy
Unhappy...unhappy...
Very very very very very
Very very unhappy
BLACK ACCOUNTANT:
Oh, I debits all duh mornin'
An' I credits all duh eb'nin
Until dem ledgers be right
LEO & THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Until dem ledgers be right
LEO:
I spend my life accounting
With figures and such
THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Unhappy
LEO:
To what is my life amounting
It figures, not much
THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Unhappy
LEO:
I have a secret desire
Hiding deep in my soul
It sets my heart afire
To see me in this role
I wanna be a producer
With a hit show on Broadway
I wanna be a producer
Lunch at Sardi's every day
I wanna be a producer
Sport a top hat and a cane
I wanna be a producer
And drive those chorus girls insane!
I wanna be a producer
And sleep until half-past two
I wanna be a producer
And say, "You, you, you, not you"
I wanna be a producer
Wear a tux on op'ning nights!
I wanna be a producer
And see my name "Leo Bloom" in lights!
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be a producer
LEO:
Sell it, girls!
CHORUS GIRLS:
Of a great big Broadway smash
LEO:
Don't forget the balcony!
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be a producer
Ev'ry pocket stuffed with cash
He wants to be a producer
Pinch our cheeks 'til we cry
CHORUS GIRL #1:
Ouch!
CHORUS GIRL #2:
Eek!
CHORUS GIRL #3:
Ooh!
CHORUS GIRL #4:
Oh!
CHORUS GIRL #5:
Ahh!
CHORUS GIRL #6:
Yes!
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be a producer
With a great big casting couch!
LEO:
I wanna be...
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be...
LEO:
I wanna be...
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be...
LEO:
I wanna be the greatest, grandest
And most fabulous producer in the world
CHORUS GIRLS:
He wants to be a producer
He wants to dine with a duchess and a duke
LEO:
I just gotta be a producer
Drink champagne until I puke
CHORUS GIRLS:
Drink champagne 'til he pukes!
LEO:
I wanna be a producer
Show the world just what I've got
I'm gonna put on shows
That will enthrall 'em
CHORUS GIRLS & LEO:
Read my name in Winchell's column!
LEO:
I wanna be a producer
'Cause it's everything I'm not
THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Unhappy...unhappy...
So unhappy
LEO & THE ACCOUNTANTS:
Very very very very very
very very...
THE ACCOUNTANTS:
...sad
LEO:
I wanna be a producer
Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right!
There is a lot more to me than there is to me!
Stop the world, I wanna get on!
MARKS:
Bloom, where do you think you're going?
LEO:
Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit!
Here's my visor...my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil... and my big finish!
I'm gonna be a producer
Sound the horn and beat the drum
I'm gonna be a producer
Look out Broadway, here I come!!
CHORUS GIRLS & ACCOUNTANTS:
Broadway, here he comes!

FRANZ:
Oh, how I miss ze hills und dales und vales und trails of old Bavaria
Oh, it's such bliss to kiss the Miss I miss like this in old Bavaria
Oh, ze meadows und ze mountains und ze sky
Not to mention hordes of brown shirts passing by...
Bring a tear to every single Nazi eye
In old - I'm talking old - Bavaria!

FRANZ:
You will join me in singing and dancing the Fuhrer's favourite tune:
"Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop"! All right, key of E?
MAX:
Is there any other?
FRANZ:
Vunderbar! Eins, zwei, drei...
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop
Ach du lieber
Und oh boy!
Guten Tag clap clap
Guten Tag slap slap
Ach du lieber
Vat a joy!
Oh, ve essen und fressen
Und tanze und trinken
Tanzen und trinken
Until ve get stinkin!
Everybody!
FRANZ, MAX & LEO:
Guten Tag hop hop
Guten Tag clop clop...
FRANZ:
Guten Tag
Meine liebe Schatz
So ve hop our hops
Und ve clop our clops
Und ve drink our Schnapps
'Til ve plotz!
Vunderbar! Gentlemen, I like your dancing.
MAX:
Thank you.
FRANZ:
You may produce my play...
MAX:
Excellent!
FRANZ:
...but only if you vill take the Siegfried Oath.
I solemnly svear...
MAX & LEO:
I solemnly svear...
FRANZ:
...to obey the sacred Seigfried Oath...
MAX & LEO:
...to obey the sacred Seigfriend Oath...
FRANZ:
...und...
MAX:
...und...
LEO:
...und...
FRANZ:
...never, never, never...
MAX & LEO:
...never, never, never...
FRANZ:
...dishonour ze spirit und ze memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler!
MAX & LEO:
Dishonour the ... Elizabeth?
FRANZ:
Ja. That vas his middle name.
Not many people know it, but the Fuhrer was descended
from a long line of English queens.
MAX:
Really?
MAX & LEO:
Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.
FRANZ:
Gut! So now I sign your contract.
MAX:
Ah, you won't regret this.
So, thank you, Herr Liebkind.
FRANZ:
Broadvay. Wait til they hear about this in Argentina!
Ach, mein lieblings!
Ve're winkin und blinkin
Und clinken und drinken
Our Schnapps
'Til ve plotz!
Heil you-know-who!

MAX:
Listen, Roger: did you get a chance yet to read Springtime for Hitler?
ROGER:
Read it? I devoured it! I for one, for instance,
Never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
MAX:
Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?
ROGER:
Do it? Of course not.
The theatre's so obsessed
With dramas so depressed
It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway
Shows should be more pretty
Shows should be more witty
Shows should be more...
What's the word?
LEO:
Gay?
ROGER:
Exactly!
No matter what you do on the stage
Keep it light, keep it bright, keep it gay!
Whether it's murder, mayhem or rage
Don't complain, it's a pain
Keep it gay!
CARMEN:
People want laughter when they see a show
The last thing they're after's a litany of woe
ROGER & CARMEN:
A happy ending will pep up your play...
ROGER:
Oedipus won't bomb...
CARMEN:
If he winds up with Mom!
Keep it gay!
ROGER:
Keep it gay...
ROGER & CARMEN:
Keep it gay!
MAX:
Couldn't agree with you more. And you have our blessings, Roger,
to make Springtime for Hitler just as gay as anyone could possibly want.
So, c'mon, do it for us, please.
ROGER:
No, sorry, Max, but it's simply not my cup of tea.
Still, fair is fair, perhaps I should ask my production team what they think.
This is my set designer, Bryan.
BRYAN:
Keep it glad, keep it mad, keep it gay!
ROGER:
And here's my costume designer, Kevin.
KEVIN:
Hello...
Keep it happy, keep it snappy, keep it gay!
BRYAN & KEVIN:
We're clever, creative
It's our job to see
That ev'rything's perfect for Mr. De Bris!
ROGER:
Next, Scott, my choreographer...
SCOTT:
Hi there...
ROGER:
And, ah, finally, last and least, my lighting designer, Shirley Markowitz.
SHIRLEY:
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
LEO:
I don't think we're getting to them, Max. What do we do now?
MAX:
Watch this. Roger, listen. I think that Springtime for Hitler
would be a marvelous opportunity for you. I mean, up to now,
you've always been associated with frivolous musicals.
ROGER:
You're right. I've often felt as though I've been throwing my life away
on silly little entertainments. Deopy showgirls in gooey gowns.
Two-three-kick-turn! Turn-turn-kick-turn!
CARMEN:
Oh, Roger.
ROGER:
It's enough to make you heave. Nonetheless, sorry, Max.
I just couldn't do Springtime for Hitler
MAX:
Why not? Think of the prestige.
ROGER:
No.
MAX:
Think of the respect.
ROGER:
No, no, no.
MAX:
Think of ... the Tony!
CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Tony...Tony...Tony...Tony...Tony!
ROGER:
Ngaaaaaahhhhh!
MAX:
What's the matter?
LEO:
Is he all right?
CARMEN:
He's having a stroke...
MAX & LEO:
What?
CARMEN:
...of genius!
ROGER:
I see it! I see it! At last. The chance to do something important!
CARMEN:
Roger de Bris presents History!
ROGER:
Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten.
They're losing the war? Excuse me. It's too downbeat.
CARMEN:
Roger de Bris presents History!
ROGER:
But maybe...it's a wile idea, but it just might work...
I see a line of beautiful girls
Dressed as storm troopers, each one a gem
With leather boots and whips on their hips
It's risque, dare I say, S & M!
CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Love it!
ROGER:
I see German soldiers dancing through France
Played by chorus boys in very tight pants
And wait, there's more - they win the war!
And the dances they do will be daring and new
Turn-turn-kick-turn, turn-turn-kick-turn
One-two-three-kick-turn!
Keep it sassy, keep it classy, keep it...
MAX:
That is brilliant. Brilliant! Roger, I speak for Mr. Bloom and myself
when I sawy that you are the only man in the world who can do justice
to Springtime for Hitler. Will you do it, please?
LEO:
Please.
ROGER:
Wait a minute. This is a very big decision.
It might effect the course of my entire life.
I shall have to think about it...I'll do it. I'll do it!
Sabu, champagne!
ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
If at the end you want them to cheer
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
Whether it's Hamlet, Othello or Lear
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
CARMEN:
Comedy's joyous, a constant delight
Dramas annoy us...
ROGER & CARMEN:
...and ruin our night.
ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
So keep your Strindbergs and Ibsens at bay...
ROGER:
I'll sign...
KEVIN:
Sign...
BRYAN:
Sign...
SCOTT:
Sign...
CARMEN:
Sign...
SHIRLEY:
Sign...
MAX & LEO:
Sign...
ROGER:
Roger Elizabeth De Bris!
ALL:
Keep it gay!!

ULLA:
Ven you got it, flaunt it
Step right up and strut your stuff
People tell you modesty's a wirtue
But in the theatre modesty can hurt you
Ven you got it, flaunt it
Show your assets, let them know you're proud
Your goodies you must push
Stick out your chest, shake your tush
Ven you got it, shout it out loud
Now Ulla dance.
Ven you got it, show it
Put your hidden treasures on display
Violinists love to play an E-string
But audiences really love a G-string
Ven you got it, should it!
Let the whole vorld hear vat you're about
Clothes may make the man
All a girl needs is a tan
Ven you got it, let it hang out!
Remember ven Ulla dance?
MAX & LEO:
Yeah!
ULLA:
Ulla dance again!
Ven I was yust a little girl in Sveden
My thoughtful mother gave me this advice
If nature blesses you from top to bottom
Show that top to bottom, don't think twice
Now Ulla belt!
Don't think twice!
Ven you got it, share it
Let the public feast upon your charms
People say that being prim is proper
But ev'ry showgirl knows that prim will stop her
If you got it, give it
Don't be selfish, give it all a-vay
Don't be shy, be bold 'n' cute
Show the boys your birthday suit
Ven you got it, if you got it
Once you got it, shout out hooray!

MAX:
The time has come
To be a lover from the Argentine
To slick my hair down with Brilliantine
And gargle heavily with Listerine
Wow!
It's time for Max
To put his backers on their backs
And thrill them with amazing acts
Those aging nymphomaniacs...
Ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah!
They were helpless
They were hopeless
Then along came Bialy!
They were joyless
They were boyless
Then along came Bialy!
They're my angels
I'm their devil
And I keep those embers aglow
When I woos 'em
I can't lose 'em
'Cause I cast my spell 'n'
They start yellin'
Fire down below!
They were listing
They were sinking
Then along came Bialy!
They were desp'rate
They were drinking
Then along came Bialy!
So romantic
They were frantic
Then their prayers were heard up above!
Heaven sent them
Their Bialy!
I'm the celebration of love!
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
We were helpless
We were hopeless
Then along came Bialy!
HOLD ME - TOUCH ME:
Life had passed us by
And love had stolen away
LICK ME - BITE ME:
At the end of our rope
We'd given up hope
Of one last roll in the hay
KISS ME - FEEL ME:
Discarded dolls
Abandoned wrecks
ALL 3 LITTLE OLD LADIES:
Condemned to a life
Of sitting and knitting
When all we really wanted was ... sex!
MAX:
Ah, did you bring the checkee, my little turtledove?
HOLD ME - TOUCH ME:
Yes, but first, Bialy, can we please play one dirty little game?
MAX:
Here in broad daylight?
HOLD ME - TOUCH ME:
It'll just be a quickie.
MAX:
Okay, what, what?
HOLD ME - TOUCH ME:
Let's play the Distracted Tourist and the Ever-Watchful Orangutan.
MAX:
Oy, are you trying to kill me? Please, I'm exhausted.
Let's play one game with absolutely no sex.
HOLD ME - TOUCH ME:
What?
MAX:
How 'bout the Jewish Princess and Her Husband.
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
So romantic
We were frantic
Then our prayers were heard up above
Heaven sent us
Our Bialy!
He's the celebration of love!
MAX:
Fire down below!
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
We were listing
We were sinking
Then along came Bialy!
We were desp'rate
We were drinking
Then along came Bialy!
So romantic
We were frantic
Then our prayers were heard up above!
It's Bialy!
Hail, Bialy!
He's the culmination
The restoration
The consummation
The titillation
Ejaculation
He's the celebration of love...
MAX:
Bloom...Bloom!
LEO:
What, Max, what?
MAX:
I've done it! I've done it! Look, we got all the money.
Now all we have to do it put on the biggest flop in history!
LEO:
That's great!
MAX & LEO:
We can do it, we can do it
We can make a million bucks!
ULLA:
Bialystock and Bloom, Bialystock and Bloom!
The show's a go!
ROGER & CARMEN:
He's raised the money, we're on our way
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
We have our backing, oh, what a day
Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay
Wonder of wonders, we have all our cash
Barring all blunders, we should have a smash!
We know that...we can do it!
ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Gay, gay, gay, gay...
Gay, gay, gay, gay...
Gay, gay, gay, gay
MAX & LEO:
We can do it! We can do it!
We can do it
We can make a million bucks!
Ev'rything we've ever wanted
Is set to come our way
We know that...we can do it!
We can make it, we won't fake it
We were fated to be mated...
ULLA:
Bialystock and Bloom...
Bialystock and Bloom...
Bialystock and Bloom!
And Bloom!
Bialystock and Bloom!
And Bloom!
Bialystock and Bloom...
FRANZ:
Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles
Alles in der welt!
Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles
Alles in der welt!
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
Then along came Bialy!
We were desp'rate
We were drinking
Then along came Bialy!
Bialy was romantic
Our pulse became so frantic
It's Bialy!
Hail Bialy!
ULLA & FRANZ:
Bialystock and Bloom...
ULLA, FRANZ, ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Bialystock and Bloom...
MAX, LEO, ULLA, FRANZ, ROGER, CARMEN & THE TEAM:
Bialystock and Bloom!!
MAX & LEO:
We can do it...
ALL EXCEPT MAX & LEO:
They can do it...
ALL:
Say goodbye to woe and gloom
MAX & LEO:
We can do it...
ALL EXCEPT MAX & LEO:
Nothing to it...
ALL:
Can't you hear that bing-bang-boom!!
ALL EXCEPT MAX & LEO:
With their brilliance
Their resilience
Up together they will zoom!
MAX & LEO:
We can't miss!
ALL EXCEPT MAX & LEO:
They were fated to be mated
They're Bialystock and Bloom!

LEO:
The urge to merge can rob us of our senses
The need to breed can make a man a drone
We must be on alert with our defenses
For every skirt will test testosterone
So knowing this I severed all connection
With any creature sporting silk or lace
I was firmly headed in the right direction
When suddenly I stumbled on that face
That face, that face
That dangerous face
I mustn't be unwise
Those lips, that nose, those eyes
Could lead to my demise
That face, that face
That marvelous face
I never should begin
Those cheeks, that neck, that chin
Will surely do me in
I must be smart
And hide my heart
If she's within a mile
If I don't duck
I'm out of luck
She'd kill me with her smile
That face, that face
That fabulous face
It's clear I must beware
I'm certain if I fall in love
I'm lost without a trace
But it's worth it...
For that face
ULLA:
That face, that face
That lovable face
It melts my Swedish heart
LEO:
I'm certain if I fall in love
I'm lost without a trace...
LEO & ULLA:
But it's worth it for...
That face

FRANZ:
Haben sie gehort das Deutsche Band
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
Aaah, haben sie gehort das Deutsche Band
Mit a bang
Mit a boom
Mit a bing-bang bing-bang boom
Russian folksongs und French oo-la-la
Can't compare with a German oom-pah-pah!
Ve're sayin'...
Haben sie gehort das Deutsche Band
Mit a zetz, mit a zap, mit a zing...
Polish polkas, they're stupid und they're rotten
It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that
Schweigen-reigen-schone-schutzen-schmutzen sauerbraten!
Key change!
Ve're sayin'...
Haben sie gehort das Deutsche Band
Mit a zetz, mit a zap, mit a zing...
It's ze only kind of musik
Zat ve huns und our honeys
Love to sing!
MAX:
That's our Hitler!

ROGER:
Ah, it's Bialystock and Bloom. Well, gentlemen ... merde!
CARMEN:
Toi, toi, toi
FRANZ:
Hals und Beinbruch!
LEO:
And I just want to wish everybody ... good luck!
CARMEN:
Ahhhhh!
ROGER:
Mr. Bloom, hasn't anyone ever told you...
It's bad luck to say "good luck" on opening night
If you do, I tell you
It is certain by the curtain
You are through!
MAX:
Good luck!
CARMEN:
It's bad luck to say "good luck" on opening night
Once it's said, you are dead
You will get the worst reviews
You've ever read!
MAX:
Good luck!
ROGER:
Even at the Comedie-Francaise,
On the opening night they are scared
"Bon chance, mes amis", no one says
The only word you ever hear is...
ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
Merde!
MAX:
Good luck, good luck, good luck
FRANZ:
It's verboten, vishing "luck" on opening night
Take advice, don't think twice
Or your show will surely end
Up in the Scheiss!
MAX:
Guten lucken.
CARMEN:
At the famous La Scala in Milan On opening night it's a rule
"In boccu lupa" they say with elan
And just for luck they all shout...
ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
"Bah fongool!"
LEO:
I got it!
Now I'll never say "good luck" on opening night
That's the rule, I'm no fool!
What do I say, I beg?
ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
What you say is "break a leg"!
LEO:
Break a leg?
ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
Yes, break a leg!
LEO, ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
If you're clever...
MAX:
Good luck!
LEO, ROGER, CARMEN & FRANZ:
You'll endeavour
To never, never, never, never
Ever, ever, ever say...
...on opening night!

CHORUS:
Germany was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
Needed a new leader to restore
Its former glory
Where, oh, where was he?
Where could that man be?
We looked around and then we found
The man for you and me
LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
And now it's...
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Deutschland is happy and gay!
We're marching to a faster pace
Look out, here comes the master race!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Rhineland's a fine land once more!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Watch out, Europe
We're going on tour!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany...
CHORUS:
Look, it's springtime
LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
Winter for Poland and France
CHORUS AND STORMTROOPER:
Springtime for Hitler and Germany!
CHORUS:
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
Springtime! Springtime!
STORMTROOPER:
Come on, Germans
Go into your dance!
STORMTROOPER "ROLF":
I was born in Dusseldorf und that is why they call me Rolf.
STORMTROOPER "MEL":
Don't be stupid, be a smarty, come and join the Nazi party!
ULLA:
The Fuhrer is coming, the Fuhrer is coming, the Fuhrer is coming!
STORMTROOPER #1:
Heil Hitler!
STORMTROOPER #2:
Heil Hitler!
LEAD TENOR STORMTROOPER:
Heil Hitler!
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
ALL:
Heil Hitler!
ROGER:
Heil myself
Heil to me
I'm the kraut
Who's out to change our history
Heil myself
Raise your hand
There's no greater
Dictator in the land!
Everything I do, I do for you!
CHORUS:
Yes, you do!
ROGER:
If you're looking for a war, here's World War Two!
Heil myself
Raise your beer
CHORUS:
Jawohl!
ROGER:
Ev'ry hotsy-totsy Nazi stand and cheer
CHORUS:
Hooray!
Ev'ry hotsy-totsy Nazi...
ROGER:
Heil myself!
CHORUS:
Ev'ry hotsy-totsy Nazi...
ROGER:
Heil myself!
CHORUS:
Ev'ry hotsy-totsy Nazi...
ROGER:
...stand and cheer!
THE HEIL-LOs:
The Fuhrer is causing a furor!
He's got those Russians on the run
You gotta love that wacky hun!
The Fuhrer is causing a furor
They can't say "no" to his demands
They're freaking out in foreign lands
He's got the whole world in his hands
The Fuhrer is causing a furor!
ROGER:
I was just a paper hanger
No one more obscurer
Got a phone call from the Reichstag
Told me I was Fuhrer
Germany was blue
What, oh, what to do?
Hitched up my pants
And conquered France
Now Deutschland's smiling through!
But it wasn't always so easy...
It was 1932. Hindenburg was working the Big Room and I...
I was playing the lounge. And then I got my big break.
Somebody burned down the Reichstag. And, would you believe it?
They made me Chancellor. Chancellor!
It ain't no myst'ry
If it's politics or hist'ry
The thing you gotta know is
Ev'rything is show biz
Heil myself
Watch my show
I'm the German Ethel Merman
Dontcha know
We are crossing borders
The new world order is here
Make a great big smile
Ev'ryone sieg heil to me
Wonderful me!
And now it's...
CHORUS:
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
Goose-step's the new step today

ROGER:
Springtime!
Goose-steps!
CHORUS MEN:
Bombs falling from the skies again
CHORUS:
Deutschland is on the rise again
ROGER & CHORUS:
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
U-boats are sailing once more
Springtime for Hitler and Germany
ROGER:
Means that...
CHORUS:
Soon we'll be going...
ROGER:
We've got to be going...
CHORUS:
You know we'll be going....
ROGER:
You bet we'll be going...
ROGER & CHORUS:
You know we'll be going to war!!

MAX:
Look at these reviews!
"A satiric masterpiece."
LEO:
No way out.
MAX:
"A surprise smash!"
LEO:
No way out.
MAX:
"It was shocking, outrageous, insulting...and I loved every minute of it!"
LEO:
No way out.
MAX:
How could this happen?
The show was lousy and long
We did everything wrong
Where did we go right?
LEO:
"Christmas came early to Broadway this year -
and guess who they stuffed in our stocking? Adolf Hitler!"
MAX:
It was so crass and so crude
Even Goebbels would've booed
Where did we go right?
LEO:
"Last night a star was born on Broadway - the lovely Miss Ulla
Inga Hansen Bensen Yonsen Tallen-Hallen Svaden-Svanson.
We predict that her name will soon be up in lights. If they can find enough bulbs.
MAX & LEO:
We searched Broadway on and off
For singers with a cough
We had tryouts and auditions by the score
And to trip the light fantastic
We picked dancers who were spastic
If anyone jeted, we jeted them out the door!
MAX:
They shouted hooray
For that sausage on display
Where did we go right?
LEO:
Our leading man was so gay
He nearly flew away
Where did we go right?
MAX:
A show so easy to despise...
LEO:
Now it's up for the Pulitzer Prize!
MAX & LEO:
Oh, where, oh, where, tell us
Where did we go right?
MAX:
"The best new music of the decade! Max Bialystock is a theatrical genius!"
Now they like me!
Oh, we knew we couldn't lose
MAX & LEO:
Half the audience were Jews!
LEO:
It's the end of our careers
MAX:
It'll run for twenty years!
MAX & LEO:
Tell us where...
Did we go right?!

GUARD:
Mail call! Here ya go, Bialystock, ya got a postcard.
MAX:
A postcard? From where?
GUARD:
Brazil.
MAX:
Brazil? Who do I know in Brazil?
Dear Max,
Rio is everything you said it was and more. Ulla and I think of you
every chance we get. In the morning, when we have breakfast on our terrace,
many different herrings. And in the evening, when we samba together in the moonlight.
Sorry, must run. Ulla's waiting, it's almost eleven.
Wish you were here, Leo
Just like Cain and Abel
You pulled a sneak attack
I thought that we were brothers
Then you stabbed me in the back
Betrayed!
Oh boy, I'm so betrayed!
Like Samson and Delilah
Your love began to fade
I'm crying in the hoosegow
You're in Rio getting laid!
Betrayed!
Let's face it, I'm betrayed!
Boy, have I been taken
Oy, I'm so forsaken
I should have seen what came to pass
I should have known to watch my ass!
I feel like Othello
Everything is lost
Leo is Iago
Max is double-crossed!
I'm so dismayed
Did I mention I'm betrayed?
I used to be the king
But now I am the fool
A captain without a ship
A rabbi without a shul!
Now I'm about to go to jail
There's no one who will pay my bail
I have no one who I can cry to
No one I can say goodbye to
I'm drowning! I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time.
I-I-I see my whole life flashing before my eyes. I see a weathered old
farmhouse with a white picket fence. I'm running through fields of
alfalfa with my collie, Rex. Stop it, Rex! I see my mother standing
on the back porch, in a worn but clean gingham gown, and I hear her
calling out to me, "Alvin! Don't forget your chores. The wood needs
a-cordin and the cows need a-milkin'. Alvin, Alvin..." Wait a minute!
My name's not Alvin! That's not my life. I'm not a hillbilly.
I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything. Even my past!
My past's a dying ember
But wait...now I remember
How did it begin?
He walked into my office
With his cockamamie scheme
You can make more money
With a flop than with a hit
"We can do it, we can do it"
"I can't do it"
"We can do it!"
"I can't do it!" Goodbye Max!
Lord, I want that money!
I'm back, Max!
"Come on, Leo, we can do it!"
Step one, find the play!
See it, swirl it, touch it, kiss it!
Hello, Mister Liebkind
"Guten Tag, hop clop
"Guten Tag, hop clop"
Adolf Elizabeth Hitler?
"Guten Tag, hop clop
"Guten Tag, hop clop!"
Step two, hire the director
"Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it..."
Two-three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn
Ulla!
Oooh wah wah woo-woo- wah-wah
Step three, raise the money
"Along came Bialy!"
Intermission!
Step four, hire all the actors
"A wandering minstrel I,
A think of shreds and...
Next! The little wooden boy
Next! That's our Hitler!
"Opening night!"
Good luck, good luck, good luck
Break a leg! I broke my leg!
"Springtime for Hitler and Germany!"
A surprise smash!
"Springtime for Hitler and Germany!
It'll run for years!
"Where did we go right?
Where did we go right?"
Gimme those books
Fat, fat, fatty!
Gimme those books
Books, fat
Books, fat
Books, fat
Books, fat!
Lousy fruit
Kill the actors
You ever eat with one?!
Then you ran to Rio
And you're safely out of reach
I'm behind these bars
You're banging Ulla on the beach!
Just like Julius Caesar
Was betrayed by Brutus
Who'd think an accountant
Would turn out to be my Judas!
I'm so dismayed
Is this how I'm repaid?
To be...
Betrayed!
BETRAYED!!

LEO:
Your honour...when I was in Rio, and had everything I'd ever dreamed of
I suddenly realized that ... this man... this man...
No one every made me feel like someone
'Til him
Life was really nothing but a glum one
'Til him
My existence bordered on the tragic
Always timid, never took a chance
Then I felt his magic
And my heart began to dance
I was always frightened, fraught with worry...
'Til him
I was going nowhere in a hurry
'Til him
He filled up my empty life
Filled it to the brim
There could never ever be
Another one...like him
MAX:
Leo, I ... I never realized ... you're a good singer.
LEO:
Thank you, Max. I sang it for you. I sang it because I'm your friend.
MAX:
You are? Gee, I've had a lot of relationships, but you couldn't call any
of them friend. But come to think of it.
No one ever ever really knew me
'Til him
Everyone was always out to screw me
'Til him
Never met I man I ever trusted
Always dealt with shysters in the past
Now I'm well adjusted
'Cause I've got a friend at last
LITTLE OLD LADIES:
Aaaaaaaahh!
MAX:
Don't help me.
Always playing singles, never doubles
'Til him
Never had a pal to share my troubles
'Til him
LEO:
He filled up my empty life
LEO & MAX:
Filled it to the brim
LEO:
There could never ever be
Another one ... like him

JUDGE:
Gentlemen, it breaks my heart to break up such a beautiful friendship.
So I won't. Five years in the state penitentiary at Sing Sing.
CONVICT #1:
Gotta sing ... sing!
CONVICT #2:
Gotta sing ... sing!
MAX:
Okay, boys, break's over. Let's take it from the top.
CONVICT #1:
This is good! Hey Bloom, put me in for ten grand.
MAX & CONVICTS:
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
Can't keep our hearts in jail
MAX:
Tempo, fellas!
Pick up the tempo!
MAX & CONVICTS:
Prisoners of love
Our turtle doves
LEO:
Don't forget the balcony!
MAX & CONVICTS:
Soon coming 'round with bail
LEO:
Sing out, boys! Let 'em hear you in solitary!
MAX & CONVICTS:
Oh, you can lock us up
And lose the key
But hearts in love
Are always free!
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
'Cause we're still prisoners
MAX:
Take it home, boys. We open in Leavenworth Saturday night.
MAX & CONVICTS:
We're still prisoners
We're still prisoners of love
PRISON GUARD:
Hey, Bialystock, Bloom, Liebkind, good news! This just came from the governor:
"Gentlemen, you are hereby granted a full pardon for having -
through song and dance - brought joy and laughter into the hearts of
every murderer, rapist and sex maniac in Sing Sing."
You're free!
LEO:
Free!
MAX:
Next stop, Broadway!
MAX & CONVICTS:
But hearts in love are always free!
ULLA & GIRL PRISONERS:
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
Can't keep our hearts in jail!
ROGER:
Can't keep our hearts in jail!
ULLA & GIRL PRISONERS:
Prisoners of love
Our turtle doves
ROGER:
Soon coming 'round with bail
ULLA & GIRL PRISONERS:
Tote that bale!
MALE PRISONERS:
You can lock us up
and lose the key
ALL:
But hearts in love are always free!
ROGER, ULLA & ALL PRISONERS:
Prisoners of love
Blue skies above
'Cause we're still prisoners...
We're still prisoners...
We're still prisoners of love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
Love!
LEO & MAX:
Leo and Max
Up off our backs
Back on the Great White Way!
Leo and Max
Back on our tracks
We're back on top to stay!
So when we take your money, never fear
We'll knock Broadway right on its ear
The cast is great
The script is swell
But this we're tellin' you, sirs
It's just no go, you got no show
Without the producers!
We'll never quit
Hit after hit
You and me-o
We guarantee-o
You're lookin' at Leo
And Max!!
ENTIRE ENSEMBLE:
The producers, Leo and Max!

ALL:
Thanks for coming to see our show
Sad to tell you we got to go
Grab your hat and head for the door
In case you didn't notice, there ain't any more!
If you like our show tell ev'ryone but...
If you think it stinks, keep your big mouth shut!
We're glad you came but we have to shout
Adios, au revoir, wiedersehen, ta-ta-ta
Goodbye...get lost...get out!!